Ryan

Dating apps can be a real bitch sometimes. You match with someone and then they don’t respond to your message. You match with a guy and he says he’s only in town for that day and you’ve already got plans. You match with someone, talk for a few days, and then it fizzles out. Or you can match with someone just visiting the day they’re leaving town, have a great conversation and get totally bummed that you’ll probably never meet each other.

Probably being the key word here.

Ryan and I matched on Tinder back when I lived in Austin. He didn’t have much information in his bio, but he was cute with brown hair, blue eyes, and an infectious smile. When he messaged me it was basically to say “Oh noooooo! I’m leaving town today and you’re really cute!” As it turned out, Ryan was just in Austin for a few weeks working at a summer camp he volunteered at every summer for underprivileged youth (swoon). He was originally from Scottsdale, Arizona, and went to college in San Diego, where he was headed post-Austin on his 3 month break from teaching English at a school in Colombia. Yeah, as in the country. This cute, sweet Jewish boy from Arizona was fluent in Spanish and lived in South America.

 

Well fuck.

 

The conversation with Ryan was as easy as if I’d known him my entire life, and he seemed to be one of the kindest, most genuinely good people I’d ever spoken to. He played in a band in Colombia, wanted to go back to school for music therapy, and didn’t seem to have a negative bone in his body. We began texting every day, moving into phone calls, and then FaceTiming. Ryan was spending some time in San Diego visiting college friends, and then back to Scottsdale for a few weeks to see his mom before returning to Colombia, and it became more and more frustrating knowing that we would never meet each other. That didn’t stop us from talking constantly and getting to know each other more and more though. There was definitely a connection there, something worth exploring, but to what extent?

One night as Ryan and I were texting about his move back to Colombia, I couldn’t help but feel sad about it. It was like as long as he was on the same continent I had some sort of chance to see him, but once he went back to Colombia it was all over. It’s a weird feeling, missing someone you’ve never actually met. And then I got this insane idea.

What if I went to Arizona before he left?

I was traveling quite a bit for work leading up to this point and had bunch of airline miles to use, and I’d also accrued quite a few hotel points, so I thought why not? If things went south I had a friend who lived in Phoenix so I wouldn’t be all alone, and if things went great then cool, we’ll have a good time. So I pitched it to Ryan, and after we both got over the fact that me getting on a fucking plane for a Tinder date is absurd, we both decided that we’d regret it if we didn’t. We looked at our calendars and figured out the weekend before he was going back to Colombia and I booked my flights.

Holy fuck. I’m going to fly from Austin to Phoenix for a weekend trip with a guy I have never met in real life.

As we began to plan our weekend, Ryan suggested driving up to Flagstaff and spending the weekend there, so I booked a room there. I was beyond excited for the trip. I had no concept of where things in Arizona were at the time as I’d only briefly been to Phoenix once on a business trip, so I pulled up Flagstaff on Google maps and realized the Grand Canyon wasn’t far from there. I excitedly brought it up to Ryan and he said he was game to make a day trip of it. How many people can say they went on a first Tinder date to the Grand Canyon??

As the weekend got closer, I realized I should probably tell someone where I’m going. I made up a story to tell my mom about going on a team building trip for work, but then I decided it was smart to tell my best friend Rachann the truth, just in case.

“Jesus Christ, Meredith, well when you wind up having a Dateline episode about you being thrown into the Grand Canyon never to be seen again I’ll be sure to say nice things about you.”

Ryan and I had added each other on Facebook at this point and I gave all of his contact information to Rachann. She is basically like having a private investigator for a friend, so he was properly vetted and deemed safe, and before I knew it I was on my way to Arizona.

I nervously had a few drinks on the plane and kept in touch with Ryan about my ETA. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as I landed and began to walk through the airport to meet him. I told him where I was as I walked outside and he pulled up almost right away. He got out of the car and it was like the entire world stopped. I was moving in slow motion as I walked toward him. We were both smiling like idiots and Ryan was obviously as nervous as I was. We hugged and he helped me with my bag and we hopped in the car. It was totally surreal finally seeing him in person and sitting next to him in the car. Once the initial shock wore off it was like we’d known each other for years. We talked and laughed and had a great car ride up to Flagstaff, where we checked into our hotel and figured out our dinner plans.

Once we got to our hotel room, Ryan kissed me. He was a great kisser, very soft and sweet, and before I knew it he had me laying on the hotel bed and working his way down my body kissing me everywhere until he was face down between my legs. Everything about him going down on me and then having sex with me was sensual and romantic. He was definitely a pleaser and a lover, and I couldn’t wait for the rest of the weekend with him. The sex was nice. Nothing super wild, no crazy positions, but the kind of sex where you felt safe and cared for and he made sure I came a couple of times. Wild animal sex is fun and all, but sometimes the slow sweet stuff is all you need.

That night we just got dinner at the hotel, had sex again, and crashed out so we could get up early for our day at the Grand Canyon. Ryan sweetly woke me up in the morning by going down on me, which, let’s face it, is the only acceptable way to wake a woman up before 8 am as far as I’m concerned. After properly sexing each other up that morning we got breakfast and were off to the Grand Canyon. The drive there took maybe an hour or so and like a sickeningly sweet couple from a Rom Com we held hands in the car and sang along loudly to the radio. I almost gross myself out thinking about it, but I was seriously on cloud 9. It was a little chilly and overcast that day, with a slight chance of rain in the afternoon, but I couldn’t have been more excited. Once we parked, we walked into the park and then there it was.

If you’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, my description and pictures you see online cannot do it justice. It is truly unbelievable and breathtaking, and the fact that I had the most amazing company only made the experience more incredible. We walked along the trail and I couldn’t stop taking pictures. It finally began to rain a little so most people went inside the gift shop, but we stayed outside and just the hoods of our rain jackets up. We realized that we were all alone there at the Grand Canyon, in the rain, and we started making out. We were so lost in the moment that we didn’t even realize when the rain let up and that people had come back outside for a few minutes, but when we did we looked back out at the canyon and saw clouds filling in below us and a rainbow shoot across the sky seeming to come out of the canyon itself. It was like something from a movie.

We were ready to head back and get it on, all horned up from the rainy makeout session, so we made our way back to Flagstaff to shower and bang again before heading out for the night. We found a cool little brewery that also had a pizza food trailer there, which are two of my favorite things in life, and had a few drinks before Ryan took me up to this lookout point up on the side of a mountain in Flagstaff. I don’t know if it was the couple of beers we’d had, the fact that we were still reeling from the day, or the little bit of weed we smoked, but I’d never had a more intense makeout session in forever it seemed. There was just some chemical connection we had and we knew it was time to go back to the hotel for another night of intense, romantic sex. Eye contact, hands in the hair, slow grinding, passionate sex for what seemed like hours.

Sunday morning we lazily got up and got ready to check out of the hotel. We wanted another early start so we could spend the day in Sedona before my flight home that night, and the feeling of sadness that the weekend was almost over started to creep in. After having sex one last time we checked out of the hotel and began our trip to Sedona. We were stupid and cheesy again, holding hands in the car, and not saying a word but not needing to. We were so weirdly connected. We arrived in Sedona and did some hiking and once again, it was incredibly beautiful. I really had no idea before this trip that Arizona had that much more to offer than the desert, and I was pretty impressed. We stayed in Sedona as long as we could, enjoying each other’s company, until finally it was time to head back to Phoenix.

On the car ride to Phoenix I received a text notification that my flight was delayed an hour, so we stopped at a bar near the airport. We were so happy to get another hour together, and then I got another notification, 30 more minutes delayed. Then another, 30 more minutes. First time I’d ever been thrilled to have a flight delayed multiple times. Finally the notifications stopped and this time it was real, I had to go to the airport. We didn’t say a word in the car, but this time it wasn’t because of the high on life, heart-eye emoji feelings, it was because we were both so sad for the weekend to be ending. Neither of us expected it to be this way. We both just thought we’d have a fun weekend and that was it. Once at the airport we hugged and kissed one last time and I could feel my face getting hot and my eyes welling up with tears. Ryan told me we’d see each other again someday, and thanked me for an amazing weekend, and I walked into the airport. The tears started to spill down my face as I went through security and I just kept my head down and was on my way to my gate. Once I boarded the plane I grabbed a window seat, which I never do, I’m an aisle seat kind of girl, and put my headphones in. I rested my head against the wall of the plane and slept through the flight (another thing I never do). I let Ryan know I’d landed, went home and immediately downed a glass of wine and crashed out.

Ryan left for Colombia a couple days later. We kept in touch via social media and I even considered coming to visit him there. But time went on and we both lived our lives and the contact became more sporadic and we moved on. I hear from Ryan from time to time, I think he has a girlfriend now and seems to be doing well and really happy. What started as just looking for a good time and a little fling turned into meeting someone who will always hold an important place in my cold, icy heart, and I’m so grateful for the time we spent together.

Hoe Tip: sometimes the risk is totally worth the reward.

John

Okay, I’ll be honest. Sometimes I go on Tinder dates just because I’m bored and want to spice up my hook up rotation. It might be a little misleading, but come on, who’s on Tinder to find their soul mate anyway?

 

Enter John. A random Tinder match that I decided to say “fuck it” and grab a drink with one Monday night. We agreed to meet at a bar between our places and, as per usual, I was running a few minutes late. I almost never care about being on time to dates like this. No, I’m not going to make a guy wait for an hour or anything absurd, but I’m also not going to stress out about arriving exactly at 8pm for a guy I’m pretty much intending on hooking up with a couple of times and never seeing again.

 

Alright, I’m an asshole. Whatever.

 

Anyway, I walk in to find John sitting at the end of the bar. He was cute, not hot, but I thought “he’ll do.” He turned out to be actually really cool and our conversation was great. He was also a writer, and had read my blog and was enthusiastically asking questions about my social media and point of view. It was flattering to be complimented by someone who was a significantly more accomplished writer than I am. We talked about everything, our childhoods, our past relationships, what we liked in bed, and it turned out this guy was definitely my sexual equal, even suggesting we hit up a swinger’s party sometime, and I decided I was definitely going home with him that night.

 

We kept drinking and laughing, and began making out at the bar. I hate being those people but when I’ve had enough tequila I could probably mount a guy in public and not give a fuck who’s watching. He had his hand running up the inside of my thigh and could tell I wasn’t wearing panties under my leggings. To be fair, I pretty much never wear them, but I could tell it turned him on. I playfully pushed his hand away and told him he better take me home so I could sit on his face.

 

Look, I never claimed to be the classiest girl in Los Angeles. I blame tequila.

 

He quickly got his check and called an uber and we were on our way to his place. Once we got there, it wasn’t long before my leggings were off and he was face down in between my thighs. Well done, John, well done. After he finished me off and we kissed for a while it was my turn to gladly return the favor. Now, I know every girl thinks they give a great blowjob, but I’m not lying when I say I have talent. As soon as I got started John’s eyes rolled back and he was extremely vocal about his appreciation. I kept going and just as my ego is at an all time high from John’s obvious enjoyment of my oral skills, he grabs my hair and says my name.

 

No wait. Not my name. His ex girlfriend’s name.

 

I stop everything and jerk my head back. “Kristin? Yeah, dude my name is Meredith.” I was so insulted and pissed. Like okay, fine, you’re not over your ex, but how fucking hard is it to just not say anything while your dick is literally in my mouth? Maybe this was just karma for essentially using him for sex with no intention of actually dating this guy. Or maybe he was just an idiot. He was rightfully embarrassed and clearly felt like shit, but I was just too annoyed to even entertain his apology so I rolled over, said goodnight, and went to sleep.

 

Hoe tip: don’t hook up with guys who aren’t over their exes.

 

When I woke up in the morning he was trying to kiss me and be apologetic, and while I kind of didn’t care, I was still a little annoyed. He obviously still felt horrible about the situation, so I milked it for some more unreciprocated oral sex, and then called myself an uber. As I left he asked if he could make it up to me still and I just rolled my eyes and said “congratulations John, you made the blog.”

 

To be perfectly honest, I’m not even that mad. I got head 3 times and didn’t really have to do anything, and I don’t even have to call him again. Not bad for a Monday night; thanks John!

Ask Meredith!

I’m so excited to add this for the first time to my site! You guys have sent me a some good questions and I’m looking forward to answering more. Here’s this week’s therapy session!

Q: Is it possible to date someone who hates feelings? 6 months ago I started dating my best friends sister-in-law because he told me I couldn’t after I said she was beautiful. So it started out of spite but after a half of a date I realized she was actually someone who I could really be with. I’m not much of a feeling guy but I really do like her so should I give up or just keep dating her and hope one day she changes her ways.

A: As someone who hates feelings, this is a tough call. If you really like her and think she’s worth it, I’d encourage you to hang in there, but look after yourself. Don’t allow her to walk all over you or to string you along. Be direct; 6 months is a long time to still be figuring out if the emotional level is there. Ask her if she sees a future with you and be clear to her about the way you feel. If she is still around she obviously has some sort of feelings for you, so just make her feel comfortable expressing herself to you.

 

Q: Is the toilet paper roll test true or false? If a guy can slide his penis inside the roll does that mean he’s smaller than average? It’s a girth test or something? Hope to hear back thanks!

A: Okay first of all, what is this toilet paper roll shit you kids are doing these days? Never not once have I told a guy to stick his dick inside a toilet paper roll. That’s fucking dumb. A better way to tell if your girth is on point is by actually fucking a girl and letting her tell you. And ladies, don’t lie. That does NOBODY any good. Guys, stop sticking your dicks in toilet paper rolls and start sticking your dicks in some pussy or a mouth or an asshole, fuck.

 

Q: So here’s the deal. I got into contact with a girl who lives on the other side of the country. We text pretty often. She’s pretty cool, attractive, etc. She sends me sexy pics and we talk about some hot and heavy stuff.

All that is great but I just don’t want to come across as the average dude. She tends to lead with sexuality which isn’t a bad thing. I just want to be different from the pack and stimulate her mind and body. Hard to do via text and I want to keep her interested until we plan visits. Does that make sense? Don’t want the typical boring small talk.

 

A: I can totally relate to this situation. I got into something similar at one point and what really made me see this guy as something different was that he was pretty much the only guy NOT making everything about sex. He was genuinely interested in my life, my goals, my background, etc. If she’s comfortable giving out personal information maybe send her flowers or something, just a nice gesture to show that you’re not just interested in fucking her. Ask her about what she wants for her future, show a genuine interest in her interests. Now, if she is only interested in something sexual, then those things might scare her away. But there’s really only one way to be sure if this is worth pursuing and that’s just going for it. That’s what worked for me, and we wound up meeting up and having an amazing time together and stayed in touch for  months before he wound up being a total douche. Don’t be a douche.

 

Q: So a lot of people around my area want just relationships. I don’t mind that but I’m picky AF. Plus I’m in college and just want to have fun and I mean who doesn’t love sex? But everyone I meet seems to want to talk for 3 months and then date for another 3 before they even do anything sexual. Not sure if it’s me but any ideas on what I can do to fix this situation?

A: Okay, what the hell prude ass college do you go to??? When I was in college hooking up was the word! Honestly if we’ve gone out on 3 dates and you haven’t attempted to put your dick in me I’m not even interested. Get on tinder. I know, I know, but seriously. College is the exact time you should be having fun and not being serious about anything relationship wise. I’ve always said, being in a relationship in college is a lot like leaving a party at 9:30—you’re outta the game before it even gets good! Tinder is a great resource for finding other people who just want to have fun and have no expectations. Another good tip is go for someone older. People in their mid to late 20s are less likely to play those games and be down for just a good time, and if they’re not they’ll tell you so. And college aged ladies, if you’re reading this, dump your boyfriends and have a hoe phase, it builds character.

 

Q: How can I tell if a girl is playing me?

A: Well, if she’s any good at it, you can’t. But here are some tell-tale signs. She still has her tinder or bumble app on her phone, she keeps her phone close to her chest when she answers it, and her snap/IG DMs are poppin off at all times (unless she’s a memer or something). Another way is that when texts pop up on her phone other guys have suggestive emojis next to their names. I only have emojis next to my 2 best friends’ names and on the off-chance I were to actually have a boyfriend I’d probably put one after his. Another way to tell is if she is purposely vague with details when she tells you what she’s doing. Pay attention when she omits details, and watch the way she introduces you to her friends and the way they react to meeting you. Also look at her social media and see who she is commenting on or tagging in things. I legitimately figured out a guy was playing me all because of comments and tagged things on instagram. Personally, I just ask someone if they’re talking to/sleeping with anyone else. If you have a suspicion, it’s better to just get it out-of-the-way and ask instead of acting like a crazy stalker and then potentially being wrong.

 

Thank you for your questions guys! I have some more in my DMs and emails and I’ll answer even more of them next week so keep them coming! Ask me anything, sex questions, dating , whatever you can think of! Until next week y’all.

Xoxo,

Meredith

Jason

I matched with Jason on bumble shortly after moving to LA, but our communication was very sporadic and I didn’t really think we’d ever wind up meeting. First of all, he was gorgeous, and I almost assumed it was a fake profile given how infrequently he would message me and how long it took for him to ask for my number. But I held onto the idea that he was a real person because he was a catch by any standards. Tall with dark eyes and hair, a perfect smile and chiseled body. He was in his mid-thirties, a former model who owned a business and had homes in Denver and Beverly Hills, looking for something with substance. Hello dream guy! After a couple of months of back and forth communication, Jason and I were finally going out to dinner and drinks and I was really excited.

Jason walked in and I felt like the heart-eyes emoji. He was just as good-looking in person, and our chemistry was amazing. He had me laughing all throughout dinner, and we wound up sitting there for hours before we realized the place was closing and we were one of the last couples there. I’d taken an uber to the restaurant, and Jason offered to take me home. We arrived at my place and he got out to walk me to my door, and the goodnight kiss was like fireworks. I could not wait to see Jason again, and he quickly asked if I was free the next night. He came over the following night and we had a couple glasses of wine and paid absolutely zero attention to Netflix (no idea what we were even watching), and there was no chance of us keeping our clothes on.

The sex was amazing. He was generous and immediately started working his way down my body with his mouth until he was going down on me. We rolled around in the sheets for what seemed like an hour, and then once again in the morning before he left. Jason was definitely a keeper, and I was sad I’d have to wait another two weeks to see him again as he was heading back to Denver for some business meetings. He promised he’d let me know as soon as he was back in town and I couldn’t wait. Two weeks go by and I get a text from a girlfriend:

“Is this your dude?”

She had apparently matched with him previously on bumble as well and he was messaging her, all while telling me he was still in Denver. Okay, maybe he just got back, no big deal. She kept messaging back and forth just to see if he would admit to being back or get some more intel. Maybe Jason wasn’t as great as he seemed. He made weekend plans with her, all while ignoring me. I waited for him to finally respond, and when he did it was as if nothing had happened and he asked me out for the weekend as well. I said yes, and couldn’t be mad, after all I was going out with other people too and we’d only hung out twice, no harm no foul. But I was immediately suspicious when his timeline of being out-of-town didn’t add up.

I told another friend of mine the story and she wasn’t buying his excuses. She decided to do a little FBI work and what we found blew my mind. Jason, a self-proclaimed “good Christian man” had an entire family back in Denver. A wife, kids, the whole 9 yards, and he was just looking for his LA side piece. I went back and forth on whether or not I should track down the wife on facebook and tell her, or if I should just leave it alone and ghost on him. Jason made that choice pretty clear for me. The day before we were to go out again he texts me:

“Hey, you’re really great and a lot of fun, but I just don’t see this going anywhere. Take care.”

Looks like Jason either found a side piece who wouldn’t ask questions, or maybe he had no intention of seeing me again after he slept with me. Either way, I dodged a bullet. I have no interest in being the other woman, and for Jason’s wife’s sake, I hope he’s keeping it in his pants.

Pete

Let me just start by saying Pete is a categorically unsexy name, so when he messaged me on snapchat I wasn’t exactly optimistic that he would be hot. I have never been more happy to be wrong in my life. Pete snapped a few pictures of himself to me and I was almost positive he was fake–that’s how hot he was. He said he’d seen me on bumble and wanted to know more and I was happy to tell him anything he wanted to know. Here’s the thing about dating in Los Angeles: people are hot. Beautiful women and men are everywhere, and I am very much aware of where I fall on the LA hotness scale.

Spoiler alert: it’s not high.

You see, back in Texas, I’d say I could be considered a solid 8. It never really occurred to me when I moved out here that number rating would not transfer. Here, in the land of beautiful people, I’m pushing a hard 6 on a good day. I don’t have a flat stomach or fake tits or an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. I probably outweigh all of my female friends here by a good 20 pounds. So when an insanely gorgeous guy with chiseled abs and the face of a slightly fairer skinned 28 year old John Stamos says he wants to go out with me, I’m naturally skeptical he is a. real, and b. into me. But Pete was both.

I first met Pete at a dark lounge bar around the corner from his place in Hollywood. Convenient. Within 5 minutes of meeting this guy I thought “yep, I’m fucking him tonight.” Clearly, Pete thought the same thing. We barely made it through two or three drinks before we had to get out of there. As we’re walking, his hands are all over me and we keep stopping to make out and grope each other. He was aggressive and dominant and it turned me on like crazy as he would push me up against a telephone pole to kiss me while he had a firm fistful of my hair. Pete and I wanted each other so bad and before I knew it I was bent over the hood of a car with my skirt pushed up, one of his hands full of my hair and the other on my waist, right there along the street where he lived. After a couple of cars drove by we decided to head into his building, where we couldn’t help ourselves and we started going at it in the elevator on the way up to his apartment. Once inside, Pete threw me on his bed and wore me out. It was so hot, so animalistic and rough, and after we were done he laid with me and asked me about my life, my family, and genuinely seemed to want to get to know me.

We were both clear with each other that neither of us were looking for anything serious, and I think that’s why this thing with Pete and I worked so well. We could talk about things, and genuinely be friends, but we knew that sex was just sex and that it didn’t mean anything more than that. I saw Pete maybe 5 or 6 more times, stopping by his place for a lunch time quickie when I was in the neighborhood, heading over when I was leaving a bar at 2am, or just for a low key night in, involving lots and lots of rough, sweaty, hot sex. I even stopped by Pete’s place one time on my way to a date with another guy. I felt a little guilty about that one, but when the sex is that good how can I pass it up?

Things cooled off with Pete, and I’m not really even sure why. Our schedules just got busy and it became less logistically easy to meet up, so we just kind of drifted. We’ve matched again on bumble and tinder since then and always make jokes about it, but nothing really ever materializes. Maybe I’ll text Pete tonight and see what he’s up to…