Accidental Handjob

Back in my former life before memes and telling blowjob jokes on the internet, I used to work in sales in the craft beer industry. One of the many perks I had was getting to travel all over the United States for meetings and trips to our breweries, and my first big girl business trip was to a place I’ve grown to love so much, Portland, Oregon. Portland is basically just like my hometown, Austin, but with cooler weather and mountains in the background, so naturally I fell in love with it as soon as I arrived. It was gorgeous June weather and my coworkers and I immediately began exploring the city and hitting up local breweries. I’d only been single for about 6 months and I was excited to be on my first real business trip, so I hopped on Tinder just to see what I could find. I absent-mindedly swiped here and there for a day or two and came across a handful of viable options, including a super cute hipstery looking guy named Michael. He had sandy brown hair and blue eyes and looked so quintessentially Portland I had to message him when we matched.

 

I had some previous standing dinner plans later that night but Michael was really cute so I thought, why not go back to back and meet this guy for happy hour. I was down for something super laid back with good beer, so Michael suggested a bar called Momo’s and our date was set. I went on with my work day, stopped back by my hotel room to change, and I was on my way. When I arrived at Momo’s Michael was as cute in person as he was in his photos, and had a great and charming personality. He made me laugh, we drank a few beers, and I was laying on the flirtation heavily. You see, most all-day long work meetings can be pretty boring. But when you work for a brewery, you’re drinking during them. So I was definitely around 5 beers deep when I began the heavy petting. What can I say, I’m a classy girl.

 

We began making out a little at our table and I asked Michael if the bathrooms here were single-person ones or ones with multiple stalls, and he said it was a single-person one. I smiled with a look that I can only imagine would either strike fear in the heart of my mortal enemies or give them all intense boners, and said

 

“Perfect. Meet me there in 2 minutes.”

 

And like he’d been using stop watch, Michael showed up to that bathroom in exactly 2 minutes. I locked the door behind him and we went after it, making out, running our hands all over each other and he pushed me up against the sink. I was wearing panties for some odd reason (I rarely ever do this) and he reached up under my dress to pull them down. As he smiled and began kissing my thighs, I propped myself up onto the sink. Michael slipped my thong off, spread my legs and dove face first into my freshly waxed pussy and went to fucking town. It was so hot, the idea of getting caught, propped up on this bar bathroom sink, getting eaten out by this insanely cute guy. It wasn’t long before I was cumming in Michael’s mouth. Fuck, it was so hot.

 

Naturally, I went to return the favor, as is only the right thing to do. I undid Michael’s pants and pulled out his hard dick. Average in size, although not that it really mattered since I was just blowing him at this point. I put him in my mouth and it seemed like MAYBE a minute before he was cumming. I thought, either I’m just that goddamn good or this guy cums quick as fuck. I could tell he was a little embarrassed so I made no mention of the speed or anything, we got ourselves put back together and made our probably very obvious exits from the bathroom and got one more drink before I went off to my dinner plans. Michael was great and I really wanted to give him another shot before I left, so I suggested he stop by my hotel room sometime the next day for another round.

 

The next day, Michael came to my hotel room. Still cute as ever, and this time he seemed very ready to go and roll around a little now that we had some space. We made out for a while and he slipped off the shorts I’d been wearing around my room. Michael was apparently a pussy eating prince and dove in again. I laid back and enjoyed his tongue skills and after I came I reached down to warm him up before sex. Only, there would be no sex.

 

I pulled Michael’s already hard dick out, and within two tugs of a half-assed handjob, his body shook and my hand was full of cum.

 

I hadn’t given a handjob to completion since I was a teenager, nor had I ever experienced a man cumming THAT quickly and easily. I thought he was embarrassed but he just kind of laughed it off and said “oops.” What was this? Some kind of hipster retro handjob sex thing? Damn, hipsters really do have to do everything before it’s cool, including cumming apparently.

 

I awkwardly went to the bathroom to wash my hands and when I came back he was dressed and said “well, have a safe trip home.” I hugged him and said goodbye, and he left. Naturally I told my girlfriends IMMEDIATELY about the accidental handjob I’d just given, and started getting my things together to head home.

 

Maybe Michael cums quickly on a regular basis. Or maybe it was just me. But at least he was cute, funny, and he made sure I came first so I really can’t complain much. We’re still in touch and talk from time to time, he’s still cute, still funny, and still loves eating pussy.

 

Hoe tip: make sure you get yours first, ladies.

 

Jack

I grew up in Austin, Texas, but when my mom remarried when I was around 25 she moved to the Ft. Worth area. Visiting her is nice, but I hardly know anyone there so I get pretty bored during a long visit. That’s where Tinder and Bumble come in handy. I debated whether or not I wanted to swipe right on Bumble on Jack for a minute before ultimately saying “fuck it” and going for it. We were a match, and since Bumble requires the woman to make the first move I went ahead and sent a pretty generic “hey how’s it going” message, and he responded almost right away. It turns out Jack was also visiting his family and just as bored as I was on a Monday evening, and after maybe a few minutes of conversation we decided we both needed to get out of the house and get a drink.

 

Jack wasn’t exactly my type, I’m not usually into bald guys, but he had a great smile, had the whole cute Italian thing going for him, and he looked like fun, so I was game. I met Jack at a bar not too far from my mom’s house, close to Texas Christian University campus (oh the irony), and he greeted me with a huge smile and hug. I could tell he had a good energy about him as we started to talk and get to know each other. Jack was a professor at a pretty well-renowned university who would be spending a few months writing his first book this winter, so we shared war stories of the writing process, and commiserated over the struggles of writer’s block. I told Jack all about my Instagram and my blog and he was enthralled with my dating stories.

 

“I’m gonna do what it takes to make the blog,” Jack said with a smirk.

 

I wasn’t sure if he meant he’d do something terribly embarrassing or if he meant he was going to blow my mind, but either way I was excited to find out.

 

We decided the bar we were at was a little too dead so we needed a change of scenery, so after one beer we hopped in the car to find a more lively spot. After cruising around for a little while, laughing and realizing more and more that we were both total insane people, we pulled up to a dive bar that I can’t remember the name of and parked across the street. It was Monday, so everywhere was pretty dead, with nobody walking around, and before we got out of the car Jack said “I need to kiss you first.” We made out in the car like teenagers for a few minutes, and I knew the rest of the night was going to be fun.

 

Once we finally stopped acting like we were 16 and on a date to the movies, we went into the dive bar and had a couple more drinks. I almost never wear a bra or panties, and this night was no exception. Jack noticed and ran his hand up my inner thigh under my dress, right there at the bar. I tossed back the rest of my drink, looked at him and bit my lip. He smiled, leaned in to kiss me, and kept going with his fingers, teasing me under my dress, and then asked the bartender for his check. It was most definitely time to go.

 

We hurried to the car where we got in and realized, oh shit. We are BOTH staying with our parents right now. Jack was driving his dad’s car, and we couldn’t go back to either of our places, so we had to improvise. Jack drove to a dark parking lot nearby and we crawled into the back seat. It was only at this point that I noticed that the radio had been on this late 90s alt rock station, which only added to the high school nostalgia of the entire thing. Jack and I started going at it, aggressively making out, and he laid me down and pushed up my dress and started devouring me like I was his last meal. It was so hot, and just as I thought I’d cum soon he ripped off his shorts, revealing quite an impressive package and he slid in. He was just the right amount of rough, pulling my hair, lightly choking me and pretty much fucking my brains out. I came hard and as soon as I did, so did he, without missing a beat or even pulling out. While I realize getting cream pied on a first date isn’t exactly the smartest or safest thing I’ve ever done, it was so fucking hot I didn’t care.

 

Hoe tip: if you’re gonna make reckless decisions, at least make sure they’re fucking fun.

 

The windows of Jack’s dad’s Honda Accord were fogged up, R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion” was on the radio, and I was getting railed out in a back seat in a dark old parking lot. If that doesn’t bring back some teenaged memories, I don’t know what does. We fucked a couple more times (shout out to Jack for having outstanding stamina), and then decided it was getting late and we needed to get home. Jack drove me back to my mom’s house, which just so happened to be in the same neighborhood his parents lived in. We pulled up to my mom’s house, Jack kissed me one more time, and as I got out of the car I said “oh, you made the blog.”

 

Jack drove off, and I snuck back into my mom’s house with cum dripping down my inner thigh, really rounding out my trip down memory lane. I hopped in the shower, and laughed at myself the entire time in there, grabbed some water when I got out and crashed. Jack and I are still in touch, and I’m sure we’ll see each other sometime when we’re both home for the holidays. Can’t wait to make another mess in the back seat of his dad’s Honda Accord.

Andrew

There’s something hot and exciting about a cute guy on the other side of the country wanting to fly you out for a weekend getaway. Promises of nice dinners, maybe a day at a spa, and lots of hot sex—sign me up! That’s what Andrew had offered me repeatedly, but since I only knew him on the internet, I declined. I mean, sure, I’d flown halfway across the country to meet a guy for the first time before, but I took my time vetting Andrew to make sure he wasn’t some sort of Patrick Bateman about to murder me. Andrew followed me on Snapchat for a long time, messaging me here and there, always flirtatious, and I would flirt right back. He was cute, but not really my type—a little too clean cut for me—with blonde hair and blue eyes. The kind of guy who definitely wore pastel Polo shirts with khaki shorts and loafers, but he had a nice body and I won’t lie, his bulge pics were impressive. He regularly asked if I’d like to come visit him in Boston, but I took my time getting to know him.

 

Over the course of several months I learned that Andrew was an accountant for the Navy, lived in a nice area in Boston where he had moved to from Virginia. He and I added each other on Facebook and he offered up any information I asked of him. I began to feel comfortable with him as a person and started to consider his offer to go to Boston. I figured I would make sure everyone knew where I was, and if I began to have a bad time then I could always leave or make friends in Boston and explore the city on my own. I was no stranger to enjoying a city on my own or meeting new people, so I thought I’d roll the dice and take him up on his offer. Andrew and I agreed on a weekend in July and he booked my flights for me. He told me that we would go out to Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard one day and that we’d have a great time. He also said that he may have to work a little bit one day, so he’d gladly send me to a spa while he was busy. I was totally excited about my weekend trip and when the day came for my 6 hour flight I was more than ready for an adventure.

 

I arrived in Boston on a Thursday night and Andrew said he was outside waiting for me in his Audi. Nice car choice, Andrew. I was nervous and excited as I walked out of the airport and quickly spotted him. He was a little shorter and skinnier than he’d appeared on Snapchat and in his pictures, but I guess we all know our angles. He helped me with my bag and we were on our way to get dinner. It was a little awkward, he wasn’t outwardly affectionate, but he was very complimentary, telling me how sexy I was and how he couldn’t wait to get me home. We finished dinner and headed back to his place. When we walked in the door I noticed it was a pretty big space and he mentioned that he had a roommate. I asked if his roommate knew I would be there and he laughed and said “Shit I probably should’ve mentioned that to him.”

 

I thought it was weird he hadn’t told his roommate that he’d have some girl staying with him for the weekend, but maybe they weren’t close or maybe he knew he wouldn’t care. I don’t know, I was just ready to have fun. We went into Andrew’s room and got situated and he started to kiss me. We began to make out, which was decent, and he started to feel me up a la high school make out, before moving on to removing my clothes. As things started to heat up and we lost more and more clothing, I noticed that his dick wasn’t as big as it had appeared in his bulge pics.

 

This, my friends, is called cockfishing.

 

The dick didn’t match the pics, but it was relatively average. Andrew grabbed a condom and we got down to business. We pretty much just stayed in missionary and the sex didn’t last all that long, but I did manage to get off so it was fine. Almost immediately after finishing and tossing the condom, Andrew fell asleep. I was still on west coast time and it was only like 9pm so I was bored and just messed around on Instagram until I crashed out too.

 

The next morning Andrew woke up early and went to get breakfast for me before he had to go into work for a little while. I didn’t mind because I was a little jet-lagged and needed a nap, plus I had some work to do on my computer. It was raining in Boston so it wasn’t like I wanted to walk around the city, but Andrew was kind enough to leave me some cash just in case I felt like going to do something solo. Because of the weekend’s weather, we were no longer going out to Nantucket but he said we’d do fun things in the city. I was a little bummed, but I couldn’t do much about the weather. Later in the day he was finally headed home and asked what I’d like to do that night and if I wanted to get dinner and drinks. I said yes.

 

Andrew got home and seemed a little off. I was ready to go to dinner and he was quiet and not as complimentary as he had been the night before. Finally he asks me, “What did you snapchat today?”

 

I looked at him with confusion and racked my brain. I hadn’t snapped anything crazy, just a few shots of me with stupid filters on saying that I was in Boston. He told me not to snapchat from his house anymore, which was confusing and weird. I asked what was up.

 

“So, I’m dating someone. And it turns out, she follows you. She recognized my bedroom in the background of your snaps.”

 

Motherfucker.

 

He quickly tried to do damage control and tell her that I’m just a friend crashing with him for the weekend and that it wasn’t anything to be worried about. But then he told me what her snap name was and said not to open any snaps from her if she messages me. I asked if it was exclusive or what the situation was, and as he tried to downplay the relationship to make me be cool with things. I began to realize that no, this guy is obviously a liar, and this wasn’t okay. He then proceeded to go into his living room and ignored me for three fucking hours, like as if somehow any of this was my fault.

 

Hoe tip: when a guy gets caught cheating on his girlfriend, it is HIS fault.

 

I had received several messages from people in Boston wanting to hang out and I got on Bumble and said fuck it, I’ll find someone else to hang out with this weekend. As a few hours went by a guy I’d talked to several times in recent days, Jay, offered to pick me up and at least give me somewhere else to crash for the night since it was late at that point and Andrew hadn’t even had the common decency to feed me dinner (after feeding me bullshit, that is). I texted Andrew from the next room and told him I was leaving. Andrew came into his room and asked if I was sure, and I told him that I was really uncomfortable and didn’t want to be there anymore. He gave me a half-assed apology, Jay showed up, and I was on my way.

 

Jay took me for a drink and a bite to eat with his friends, and gave me a place to crash for the night. He showed me around Boston a little the next day, and then we went our separate ways. I set off to meet a guy or two from Bumble, after, of course, Jay decided to go out of his way to tell me that I don’t contribute anything to society and that I’d be cuter if I took better care of myself. Like completely unprovoked, he felt the need to pinpoint everything he thought was wrong with me. The next guy I met in Boston, Adam, was all fun and great and invited me to drinks and dinner with his friends, but ditched me after drinks to wander around south Boston alone. I got myself a room, had a good cry, and crashed out.

 

Finally it was Sunday and it was time for me to go home. I couldn’t wait. I got to the airport, got on the plane, and got shit-faced. Andrew had bought me an upgraded seat that included complimentary alcoholic beverages, and I took full advantage by drinking all the prosecco they had on the plane. As I was crushing drinks I thought about all the people I had encountered over the weekend. Every guy started out with promise and just wound up being a typical, immature dick. What kind of vibe was I putting out there that I was attracting these guys? I mean, sure I portray myself in a certain way, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still worthy of respect as a human being. Andrew probably assumed that because I’m a sexual and open person, I would be okay with facilitating him cheating on his girlfriend. And Jay probably thought that I somehow needed his advice on how to live my life because I’m a woman and therefore inferior to him (I almost sprained my eyeballs rolling them so hard). And as for Adam…well I think he just got drunk and forgot how to treat people. At the end of it all, these men were immature and lacked respect and that wasn’t my fault.

 

I don’t think I’ll ever be making it back to Boston. Although I’m sure there are plenty of lovely people there, I only met Massholes.

Ask Meredith!

Time for me to give more shitty advice!

 

Q: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost two years now. She truly is awesome. She’s funny, pretty, and I know has my back through anything and everything. And of course I am totally in love with her. As awesome as she is I have been super tempted to cheat on her. I have two girls right now that are just waiting for a text from me. I really want to but at the same time am very hesitant because I know if she were to find out what I did it would absolutely devastate her. I don’t know if I should go through with this or not. I know losing her in the long run definitely isn’t worth it but I miss sleeping with random chicks and not having to deal with all the things that come with being in a relationship.

A: If you love your girlfriend and don’t want to lose her, don’t cheat on her. It’s not fucking rocket science. If you want to fuck other girls, break up with your girlfriend. But don’t be surprised if you find yourself missing her and she doesn’t take you back. Pretty simple if you ask me, keep your dick in your pants if you want to keep your girlfriend.

 

Q: I know you always say you don’t want unsolicited dick pics, but I know sometimes girls ask to see it. When would you want to get one and how should a guy send one?

A: This is a good question. I can’t speak for all women, but I do think that I can for the majority when I say that you should never send a dick pic unless a woman asks you to. For example, if I’m sexting or flirting with a guy and he tells me he’s turned on I might ask him to show me–acceptable time for a dick pic. Or if I’m interested in sleeping with a guy I might ask to see what he’s working with. Another scenario is if I’m exchanging sexy pics with a guy and he sends me a full body pic where is dick is exposed–that would be fine. As for tips on your dick pic–include your body in the pic. Just a dick is aggressive. Don’t make it zoomed in too close, and if you take it from the bottom up that’s a tell-tale sign you’re trying to make it look bigger. Also, let’s start being honest about what 8 inches is, okay fellas?

 

Q: What does it take to get a date with you?

A: This is a common question in my DMs. If it’s just a date we’re talking about, be attractive, between the ages of 27-45, have a decent job, and be a non-smoker. The smell of cigarette smoke makes me want to throw up and second-hand smoke makes me cough (on account of the asthma). Weed smoke doesn’t bother me though. Make me laugh and have the ability to make me cum. If you’re asking me out, dinner/drinks/whatever we’re doing is on you my man. Also, I’m 32, not 21, so put in some effort with where you decide to take me. That doesn’t mean it has to be expensive, but make it worth it for me to go out with you. Also be geographically desirable, I’m not traveling more than like 30 minutes to go on a first date. I think that sums it up pretty well!

 

Q: What is too small for you when it comes to dick size?

A: My preferred range is 7-8.5 inches, however I’ve had perfectly good sex with someone in the 6 inch range. Under 5 and you better have a strong head game my friend.

 

Q: I really want to blow my boyfriend’s mind with a great blowjob. I think I’m okay at it, and I usually make him cum unless it’s foreplay before sex, but I want him to be super impressed. Any tips?

A: The biggest keys with giving blowjobs are to pay attention to your man’s responses to whatever you’re doing, and to enjoy it. Notice when his breathing changes or intensifies–he likes what you’re doing. Spit on it. Don’t be afraid to get messy and use a lot of spit, guys like a messy blowjob. Also get your hands in on the action, using a slightly circular motion on the base of his dick while you use your mouth so it’s kind of like your hand is an extension of your mouth. Keeping a steady rhythm once you can tell he’s getting close will make him cum—don’t change your rhythm up too much (unless he’s into edging and you want to prolong the process—that’s another topic). If you’re able to deep throat that’s a fun thing to do while you’re building him up. If he enjoys face-fucking you then being able to deep throat is a must. Relax your throat and breath through your nose. A good finishing move when he cums is licking his dick hole—the tip and hole are super sensitive so definitely give that area some good attention. Most of all, have fun! You’re always likely to be better at something you’re having fun doing, and he will notice that you’re having a good time and enjoy it more. And don’t forget, spitters are quitters (unless he prefers a facial or something). Good luck!

 

That’s it for this week! If you’ve got burning questions for me use the contact submission form or email me at meredith@meredithactually.com!

Xoxo,

Meredith

Ryan

Dating apps can be a real bitch sometimes. You match with someone and then they don’t respond to your message. You match with a guy and he says he’s only in town for that day and you’ve already got plans. You match with someone, talk for a few days, and then it fizzles out. Or you can match with someone just visiting the day they’re leaving town, have a great conversation and get totally bummed that you’ll probably never meet each other.

Probably being the key word here.

Ryan and I matched on Tinder back when I lived in Austin. He didn’t have much information in his bio, but he was cute with brown hair, blue eyes, and an infectious smile. When he messaged me it was basically to say “Oh noooooo! I’m leaving town today and you’re really cute!” As it turned out, Ryan was just in Austin for a few weeks working at a summer camp he volunteered at every summer for underprivileged youth (swoon). He was originally from Scottsdale, Arizona, and went to college in San Diego, where he was headed post-Austin on his 3 month break from teaching English at a school in Colombia. Yeah, as in the country. This cute, sweet Jewish boy from Arizona was fluent in Spanish and lived in South America.

 

Well fuck.

 

The conversation with Ryan was as easy as if I’d known him my entire life, and he seemed to be one of the kindest, most genuinely good people I’d ever spoken to. He played in a band in Colombia, wanted to go back to school for music therapy, and didn’t seem to have a negative bone in his body. We began texting every day, moving into phone calls, and then FaceTiming. Ryan was spending some time in San Diego visiting college friends, and then back to Scottsdale for a few weeks to see his mom before returning to Colombia, and it became more and more frustrating knowing that we would never meet each other. That didn’t stop us from talking constantly and getting to know each other more and more though. There was definitely a connection there, something worth exploring, but to what extent?

One night as Ryan and I were texting about his move back to Colombia, I couldn’t help but feel sad about it. It was like as long as he was on the same continent I had some sort of chance to see him, but once he went back to Colombia it was all over. It’s a weird feeling, missing someone you’ve never actually met. And then I got this insane idea.

What if I went to Arizona before he left?

I was traveling quite a bit for work leading up to this point and had bunch of airline miles to use, and I’d also accrued quite a few hotel points, so I thought why not? If things went south I had a friend who lived in Phoenix so I wouldn’t be all alone, and if things went great then cool, we’ll have a good time. So I pitched it to Ryan, and after we both got over the fact that me getting on a fucking plane for a Tinder date is absurd, we both decided that we’d regret it if we didn’t. We looked at our calendars and figured out the weekend before he was going back to Colombia and I booked my flights.

Holy fuck. I’m going to fly from Austin to Phoenix for a weekend trip with a guy I have never met in real life.

As we began to plan our weekend, Ryan suggested driving up to Flagstaff and spending the weekend there, so I booked a room there. I was beyond excited for the trip. I had no concept of where things in Arizona were at the time as I’d only briefly been to Phoenix once on a business trip, so I pulled up Flagstaff on Google maps and realized the Grand Canyon wasn’t far from there. I excitedly brought it up to Ryan and he said he was game to make a day trip of it. How many people can say they went on a first Tinder date to the Grand Canyon??

As the weekend got closer, I realized I should probably tell someone where I’m going. I made up a story to tell my mom about going on a team building trip for work, but then I decided it was smart to tell my best friend Rachann the truth, just in case.

“Jesus Christ, Meredith, well when you wind up having a Dateline episode about you being thrown into the Grand Canyon never to be seen again I’ll be sure to say nice things about you.”

Ryan and I had added each other on Facebook at this point and I gave all of his contact information to Rachann. She is basically like having a private investigator for a friend, so he was properly vetted and deemed safe, and before I knew it I was on my way to Arizona.

I nervously had a few drinks on the plane and kept in touch with Ryan about my ETA. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as I landed and began to walk through the airport to meet him. I told him where I was as I walked outside and he pulled up almost right away. He got out of the car and it was like the entire world stopped. I was moving in slow motion as I walked toward him. We were both smiling like idiots and Ryan was obviously as nervous as I was. We hugged and he helped me with my bag and we hopped in the car. It was totally surreal finally seeing him in person and sitting next to him in the car. Once the initial shock wore off it was like we’d known each other for years. We talked and laughed and had a great car ride up to Flagstaff, where we checked into our hotel and figured out our dinner plans.

Once we got to our hotel room, Ryan kissed me. He was a great kisser, very soft and sweet, and before I knew it he had me laying on the hotel bed and working his way down my body kissing me everywhere until he was face down between my legs. Everything about him going down on me and then having sex with me was sensual and romantic. He was definitely a pleaser and a lover, and I couldn’t wait for the rest of the weekend with him. The sex was nice. Nothing super wild, no crazy positions, but the kind of sex where you felt safe and cared for and he made sure I came a couple of times. Wild animal sex is fun and all, but sometimes the slow sweet stuff is all you need.

That night we just got dinner at the hotel, had sex again, and crashed out so we could get up early for our day at the Grand Canyon. Ryan sweetly woke me up in the morning by going down on me, which, let’s face it, is the only acceptable way to wake a woman up before 8 am as far as I’m concerned. After properly sexing each other up that morning we got breakfast and were off to the Grand Canyon. The drive there took maybe an hour or so and like a sickeningly sweet couple from a Rom Com we held hands in the car and sang along loudly to the radio. I almost gross myself out thinking about it, but I was seriously on cloud 9. It was a little chilly and overcast that day, with a slight chance of rain in the afternoon, but I couldn’t have been more excited. Once we parked, we walked into the park and then there it was.

If you’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, my description and pictures you see online cannot do it justice. It is truly unbelievable and breathtaking, and the fact that I had the most amazing company only made the experience more incredible. We walked along the trail and I couldn’t stop taking pictures. It finally began to rain a little so most people went inside the gift shop, but we stayed outside and just the hoods of our rain jackets up. We realized that we were all alone there at the Grand Canyon, in the rain, and we started making out. We were so lost in the moment that we didn’t even realize when the rain let up and that people had come back outside for a few minutes, but when we did we looked back out at the canyon and saw clouds filling in below us and a rainbow shoot across the sky seeming to come out of the canyon itself. It was like something from a movie.

We were ready to head back and get it on, all horned up from the rainy makeout session, so we made our way back to Flagstaff to shower and bang again before heading out for the night. We found a cool little brewery that also had a pizza food trailer there, which are two of my favorite things in life, and had a few drinks before Ryan took me up to this lookout point up on the side of a mountain in Flagstaff. I don’t know if it was the couple of beers we’d had, the fact that we were still reeling from the day, or the little bit of weed we smoked, but I’d never had a more intense makeout session in forever it seemed. There was just some chemical connection we had and we knew it was time to go back to the hotel for another night of intense, romantic sex. Eye contact, hands in the hair, slow grinding, passionate sex for what seemed like hours.

Sunday morning we lazily got up and got ready to check out of the hotel. We wanted another early start so we could spend the day in Sedona before my flight home that night, and the feeling of sadness that the weekend was almost over started to creep in. After having sex one last time we checked out of the hotel and began our trip to Sedona. We were stupid and cheesy again, holding hands in the car, and not saying a word but not needing to. We were so weirdly connected. We arrived in Sedona and did some hiking and once again, it was incredibly beautiful. I really had no idea before this trip that Arizona had that much more to offer than the desert, and I was pretty impressed. We stayed in Sedona as long as we could, enjoying each other’s company, until finally it was time to head back to Phoenix.

On the car ride to Phoenix I received a text notification that my flight was delayed an hour, so we stopped at a bar near the airport. We were so happy to get another hour together, and then I got another notification, 30 more minutes delayed. Then another, 30 more minutes. First time I’d ever been thrilled to have a flight delayed multiple times. Finally the notifications stopped and this time it was real, I had to go to the airport. We didn’t say a word in the car, but this time it wasn’t because of the high on life, heart-eye emoji feelings, it was because we were both so sad for the weekend to be ending. Neither of us expected it to be this way. We both just thought we’d have a fun weekend and that was it. Once at the airport we hugged and kissed one last time and I could feel my face getting hot and my eyes welling up with tears. Ryan told me we’d see each other again someday, and thanked me for an amazing weekend, and I walked into the airport. The tears started to spill down my face as I went through security and I just kept my head down and was on my way to my gate. Once I boarded the plane I grabbed a window seat, which I never do, I’m an aisle seat kind of girl, and put my headphones in. I rested my head against the wall of the plane and slept through the flight (another thing I never do). I let Ryan know I’d landed, went home and immediately downed a glass of wine and crashed out.

Ryan left for Colombia a couple days later. We kept in touch via social media and I even considered coming to visit him there. But time went on and we both lived our lives and the contact became more sporadic and we moved on. I hear from Ryan from time to time, I think he has a girlfriend now and seems to be doing well and really happy. What started as just looking for a good time and a little fling turned into meeting someone who will always hold an important place in my cold, icy heart, and I’m so grateful for the time we spent together.

Hoe Tip: sometimes the risk is totally worth the reward.

Ask Meredith!

Back with a Q&A for y’all!

 

Q:  I am dating a girl that I met a little over 5 months ago when I was on a business trip. Trouble is, she lives in Canada. And the longer our relationship goes on, the more difficult our relationship becomes. As if being in a long distance relationship weren’t enough, I’m in the Navy. Which brings an entirely new set of difficulties. We get along great and when we’re together, everything is perfect. When we’re apart, especially for more than a couple of weeks, she starts to get crazy. Like, gets mad at me for nothing (I’m pretty sure she has multiple personalities). I’m getting ready to transfer and we’re considering her moving with me. We’re only going to be able to live together for about 3-4 months before we literally have a life changing decision to make. We either have to get engaged and start the process of her becoming an American citizen, or she has to go back to Canada for another 120 days. I’ve been married twice now and I really am hesitant to make it a third time, especially if I feel like it’s something I have to do. It really is the only way for our relationship to continue though and I don’t know if I’m making the right decision. I hate breaking hearts, but I also hate wasting my time on love. What should I do?

A: To be honest, there seem to be way more cons to this situation than pros. This is an easy one to me, break up. It really doesn’t seem worth it and nobody should get married out of obligation. If at some point when you’re out of the Navy things have a way to work out without you basically being forced to marry her, then great, but at this point it seems like a whole lot more trouble than it’s worth.

 

Q:  So I have a few women I sleep with on a regular basis. I’m not in a relationship with any of them but that doesnt mean that I wouldn’t consider it with them. I asked one, the one I feel I’m closest to since we’ve been friends for a couple of years, if she thought this was going anywhere. Her response kinda floored me, she said that she thought it was pretty clear that it was implied that it was just about the sex.

Not to go too in-depth, but my size is quite large in the girth department. It’s just slightly smaller than a beer can. So I’ve had women in the past who sleep with me for the novelty of that and because of *other* talents. I get that, and obviously at the time I was okay with it so I can’t complain, but that was college and right after. I’m years past that life and at the point where partying every weekend doesnt take priority anymore.   Though after subtle questions and talking to some of the others I found out that they all have basically the same sentiment. They don’t want to be with me on any other level. So I’m conflicted on where to go next, I don’t want to cut them off because some are friends, one is even in my main group of friends and we’ve been hiding our actions from the rest. But I want something more and I’m starting to feel like I’m an object to them. Do you think it’s best to end it with them and deal with the possible fallout? I feel like I won’t be able to find what I’m looking for if I have other women hitting me up on a regular basis, but I’m still worried about losing these people outside of the bedroom.
A: I don’t really see any need to cut off casual sexual partners unless you actually find someone you want to date. You can slowly distance yourself sexually from them, but it doesn’t make any sense to give up your sex life because you would like to find someone to date. That said, be honest with your friends. Let them know you’re looking for something a little more serious so that they are aware that you are seeking out other women. I have men that I sleep with regularly, but if someone else came along that I was interested in actually dating I would have no problem telling them that I would like to see where things go with someone so I think it would be best if we didn’t sleep together anymore. At the end of the day, you don’t have to have sex with someone if you don’t want to, and your sex life as a single guy should not have any bearing on a potential dating relationship with someone new.
Q: I had a really good friends with benefits going, we were SO sexually compatible, he made me cum like 15 times in 6 rounds of sex. I’ve never met someone who I’ve been this sexually compatible with, but we were also pretty good friends. And so we had it going for like 3 months and then all of a sudden communication on his side just abruptly ended. Every time I reached out, I got nothing back and eventually called him out on it to which he said he was just grumpy for a couple of weeks and we could still meet up in the summer. I told him I needed the communication in this fwb to keep the trust going, no feelings involved I just need to trust the other person.

But since that last discussion (Early April) there’s been no communication either way. I really just need some good dick but I’m having a hard time swallowing my pride and messaging him again to see if he wants to. Do you think it’s worth messaging again or should I just cut my losses?

A: To be honest, it sounds like he’s fucking someone else and doesn’t want to tell you. And even if he isn’t, communication is very important with any kind of sexual partner, so I would cut my losses and move on to some new dick if I were you. His behavior is rude and you shouldn’t be stifling yourself sexually just because he doesn’t want to man up and tell you what his deal is.
Q: I had this tinder date at my place, he was super hot. We kissed and talked and had dinner, and at some point I asked him what he was thinking of. He answered that he didn’t think we should sleep together because he really likes me. That kinda weirded me out, but I was pleased at the same time. And then again we were chilling and he says “I wanna fuck you so bad but that would downplay this night.” So he said he would have seen me again even if we’d slept together, I said I didn’t believe that, and he said “you should but I will see you again.” Well did a little stalking and found out he has a girlfriend in LA. Texted him that he’s a shitty person, he agreed and apologized. But now, should I tell her?
A: BLOW. UP. HIS. SPOT. I am a firm believer in exposing a cheater. I recently had a situation in which I was dating a man and found out that he was married, so I told his wife when I found out. I have been cheated on and I would like to have been told when it first happened rather than it continue on with me looking stupid. Tell the girlfriend, be sure to keep screenshots of conversations with the guy in the event that she doesn’t believe you or tries to blame you. I don’t support liars or cheaters, expose his ass.
Q: This isn’t like a sex question or anything, but how do you get your skin so clear and even?? What kind of skincare routine do you have? I feel like everything I try works for a little while and then my skin gets broken out again. Any tips?
A: First, thank you! So one thing that makes a really big difference, which I’m sure the majority of women reading this are not going to want to hear, is that I don’t wear makeup. Aside from my musical theatre days, I have never really worn foundation or anything. Sometimes for a special occasion, but even then the extent of my makeup is maybe a little concealer under my eyes or if I have a blemish or something, and then eye makeup (eyeliner and mascara). So my pores stay pretty clear all the time. I use a Burt’s Bees moisturizer with SPF, and I mix coconut oil with brown sugar for an exfoliant. Wipe off the excess with a warm washcloth and massage the rest into your skin. Oil cleansing sounds counter-intuitive but one huge reason people break out is because washing with a soap strips the skin of its natural oils, forcing you to over-produce to make up for it and that clogs your pores. I rarely use an actual soap on my face, and when I do I prefer something as natural as possible like Burt’s Bees. Otherwise I just use a makeup wipe for my eyes and rarely actually wash my face (if you wear makeup then obviously you want to remove your makeup daily). I always wear a hat when I’m in the sun too to keep it off my face, and I drink a lot of water. I’m also part Native American, so genetically I’ve got a little bit of an edge there, but letting your skin breathe is huge! My skin has never looked better than when I stopped using chemicals and started oil cleansing.
That’s all for this week, remember you can send me all your questions in the contact submission form on my page or at meredith@meredithactually.com!
Xoxo,
Meredith

 

Charlie

After taking a little hiatus from my dating app life, I thought I should get back on there and see what I’d been missing out on. Swiping left and swiping right here and there one Tuesday morning, with nothing major catching my eye, I came across Charlie. Ohhh I could already tell I liked Charlie. He had sandy blonde hair that was a perfect mess and beautiful blue grey eyes and a smile that I knew would get me in trouble. I’ve always loved trouble. His profile read like something out of my dreams: a writer, loved dogs, clearly sapiosexual, and a Scorpio (my weakness). I swiped right immediately and crossed my fingers that we’d match. My day went on and as I was winding down with answering emails my phone lit up with a Bumble notification stating that I had a new connection.

 

It was Charlie.

 

I messaged him immediately, trying to seem cool and intellectual but really I was so thirsty I couldn’t contain myself. We messaged back and forth a bit and it became clear that Charlie and I were absolutely on the same wavelength. He had been a writer for a popular CW show and was now in the world of acting and freelance, and as we began talking about our writing endeavors it became clear we were basically the same person. We made plans to get drinks that Friday night, unless either of us became free earlier in the week. Not but an hour later my Wednesday night plans cancelled, his night became free, and we made plans to meet at a cute wine bar called Terroni on Beverly.

 

I hadn’t been this excited about a date in a while. I was staying at my friend Jessica’s place for a little while as I was in the process of moving, and I excitedly got ready while filling her in on every detail of the conversations that Charlie and I had. She helped me to make sure I had just the right amount of tits showing and I was on my way to the wine bar. Charlie was there before me at the end of the bar. Jesus Christ he was so cute. I smiled my best smile and he greeted me with a hug and we sat down. I slid my bar stool a little closer to him and I ordered a glass of wine. Right away, the conversation was amazing. No awkward pauses, we covered everything from past loves, to sex, to professional aspirations. The man sitting next to us had ordered an entire pizza and offered us each a slice. Charlie, a glass of sparkling rose, and a slice of pizza–that was basically my version of heaven right then. As the evening went on we became more affectionate toward each other, a hand on the arm, moving closer to one another, and finally it was closing time. It was early, so we decided to move to another bar nearby. As we walked down the sidewalk Charlie asked if he could kiss me. Obviously, I smiled and said yes.

 

It was like fucking fireworks. Completely electric.

 

I could have kissed Charlie all night. We made our way to the next bar for one last drink before calling it a night. Charlie drove me home to Jessica’s and gave me one more amazing, perfect kiss before we said goodnight. I couldn’t wait to see him again. I dozed off that night with a shit eating grin on my face. The next morning I woke up to a text from Charlie that said “I promise I brushed my teeth, but I can still taste you.” Well goddamn, Charlie, way to make a girl’s knees buckle. This guy was intensely swoon-worthy, and I started to think uh oh. What am I gonna do? I knew that at this point in time I was not emotionally available for a relationship, and I knew that he wasn’t either, but the chemistry and connection were totally undeniable. This wouldn’t be just sex or something casual. But since I don’t know how to listen to my brain, I invited Charlie to a comedy show where my friends would be that night, and he accepted.

 

Charlie offered to pick me up, which in the days of taking an uber or lyft everywhere we go and the total informal dating landscape we’re in, I found to be so charming and sweet. I was on the other side of town so I declined, but he met me at the show, greeted me with one of those signature kisses, and I introduced him to some of my friends. We had a great time laughing and flirting, and my friends all seemed to like him. When the show was over we stepped outside for a minute and Charlie came in for the kiss again. I don’t know where the hell that man learned to kiss, but he could teach a fucking master class. After he kissed me he whispered into my ear “I’ve been thinking about licking your pussy all day.”

 

OK TIME TO GO.

 

We said bye to my friends, Charlie opened the car door for me and we were off to his place in Hollywood. As we entered his apartment, he grabbed us each a glass of water and we went into his room. Standing, he began to kiss me. Slowly, but deliberately. He led me toward the bed and I sat down. He got down on his knees and began to unzip my boots and slipped them off my feet. He slowly ran his hands up my inner thighs, pushing my dress up slightly to reveal that I wasn’t wearing any panties. A smile spread across his face and he said “you’re such a good girl” as he pushed me back further onto the bed. The man had hardly even touched me and it was like a waterfall between my legs. I didn’t think I could be any more turned on, when he began lightly kissing my inner thighs and just barely grazing across my south mouth, teasing me for what seemed like an eternity. He locked eyes with me and went for it. Holyyyyyyyy fuck. I think I came in record time and it seemed like I couldn’t stop. It was fucking amazing. Yet another thing Charlie needed to teach a master class on, eating pussy. The orgasm went on and on and he just kept going. He then pushed the rest of my dress up and pulled it off over my head, held his body over mine and just barely touched his lips to mine and said “such a good girl” before kissing me deeply again. He’d pulled his shirt off at some point, clearly I was having too much of a good time to notice when, but his body was sexy and lean and I ran my fingers down his chest and abs as he slipped off his pants and boxer briefs. He pulled me up onto my knees and ran his hands over my entire body, and marveled over my tits.

 

“I’m not even a tits man, but goddamn yours are amazing.”

 

Listen up guys, complimenting a woman like that while she’s naked and vulnerable is a sure-fire way to get some excellent sex. I began kissing his chest and worked my way down to his dick which was fully hard already. He had a great dick, not too big, not too small, like literally perfect sized. I began going down on him and he let out a moan of satisfaction. After a minute or two he grabbed me and pulled me back up to kiss him and I looked him in the eyes and said “fuck me.”

 

And Charlie did just that. He grabbed a condom, threw me down on the bed, and fucked me stupid. Hands in my hair, telling me what a good girl I was every time I came, bending me over and slapping my ass. At one point when he had me bent over he leaned in and whispered in my ear “I think you like being fucked like a bad girl don’t you?” GOOD LORD CHARLIE YES I DO. Charlie pulled my hair with just the exact right amount of force that I like, made me cum again, flipped me back over onto my back, kissed me deeply then pulled his head back and came, hard.

 

Sweaty, exhausted, and ultimately satisfied, we decided to hop into the shower together to rinse off. It wasn’t even sexual in the shower, just nice, intimate, and relaxing. We both got out, dried off and went to lay back in his bed. Charlie played with my hair a little bit, we talked about what we each had going on that weekend and following week, kissed a little, and then it was time for me to go because we both had early mornings. We both had busy weekends and I was going out-of-town the following week so we weren’t sure when we’d be able to see each other again, but we knew we had to because the chemistry was unreal.

 

Unfortunately, that was kind of the problem too.

 

Charlie and I texted throughout the following week, and I began to think, oh no, I like this boy FAR too much for what I’m ready for right now. But I’m not one to let something like that slip away, so I planned to see him again anyway. I was already crazy about him. I couldn’t get him off my mind, which scared me a little, but I didn’t care. And even worse, I knew he wasn’t emotionally available either, but like the idiot I am, I persisted, with the hope that maybe he’d become available but knowing full well that’s not how that works and that I’d probably get hurt. But sometimes the high is worth the comedown. At least that’s what I tell myself when I do molly.

 

Hoe tip: without the lows, the highs aren’t nearly as fun. Embrace them.

 

I’d been partying out-of-town all weekend and I knew Charlie had stuff going on, so I didn’t worry too much when he didn’t respond to my last text right away, but then he finally responded that following Monday.

 

“Hey sorry for the delayed response. Crazy couple days. This is going to sound crazy coming from this hypersexual straight guy, but would you mind if we just be friends? It’s insane that I am saying that, and I hardly believe it myself, but I’ve been having anxiety issues for the first time ever in my life and I think it’s healthiest for me not to complicate my friendships with sex. At least right now and until I get my head on straight. It’s all me, you’re incredibly sexy, I had an incredible time being naked with you and I enjoy your company too much to not at least be friends. I just have to leave my dick out of the equation for a minute for the sake of my mental health.”

 

Ugh. Dammit Charlie. I couldn’t be mad at him, because I completely understood and have been there before. And I knew damn well going in that he wasn’t emotionally available, just as I wasn’t really. I thought maybe he felt the same way that I did and knew he was not in the right place mentally for that. Or maybe I was reading too much into it and am a total narcissist for thinking that way. But whatever the reason, Charlie and I would just have to be friends. At least for a while. Charlie and I are still friends, and I know that I could talk to him about anything, without fear of judgement and I know he’d give me truthful, honest feedback too. I even asked him if I could write about him, and he said to go for it. Maybe one day Charlie and I can be more than friends. Or maybe we can be friends with benefits. Or something. Who knows. At the end of the day I’m so glad I met Charlie. Not just because the sex was some of the best I’ve ever had in my life, but because he taught me about self-preservation in a way that I’ve always been pretty irresponsible about. I respect that about him a lot. So thank you, Charlie, you’re one of my favorites.