I grew up in Austin, Texas, but when my mom remarried when I was around 25 she moved to the Ft. Worth area. Visiting her is nice, but I hardly know anyone there so I get pretty bored during a long visit. That’s where Tinder and Bumble come in handy. I debated whether or not I wanted to swipe right on Bumble on Jack for a minute before ultimately saying “fuck it” and going for it. We were a match, and since Bumble requires the woman to make the first move I went ahead and sent a pretty generic “hey how’s it going” message, and he responded almost right away. It turns out Jack was also visiting his family and just as bored as I was on a Monday evening, and after maybe a few minutes of conversation we decided we both needed to get out of the house and get a drink.


Jack wasn’t exactly my type, I’m not usually into bald guys, but he had a great smile, had the whole cute Italian thing going for him, and he looked like fun, so I was game. I met Jack at a bar not too far from my mom’s house, close to Texas Christian University campus (oh the irony), and he greeted me with a huge smile and hug. I could tell he had a good energy about him as we started to talk and get to know each other. Jack was a professor at a pretty well-renowned university who would be spending a few months writing his first book this winter, so we shared war stories of the writing process, and commiserated over the struggles of writer’s block. I told Jack all about my Instagram and my blog and he was enthralled with my dating stories.


“I’m gonna do what it takes to make the blog,” Jack said with a smirk.


I wasn’t sure if he meant he’d do something terribly embarrassing or if he meant he was going to blow my mind, but either way I was excited to find out.


We decided the bar we were at was a little too dead so we needed a change of scenery, so after one beer we hopped in the car to find a more lively spot. After cruising around for a little while, laughing and realizing more and more that we were both total insane people, we pulled up to a dive bar that I can’t remember the name of and parked across the street. It was Monday, so everywhere was pretty dead, with nobody walking around, and before we got out of the car Jack said “I need to kiss you first.” We made out in the car like teenagers for a few minutes, and I knew the rest of the night was going to be fun.


Once we finally stopped acting like we were 16 and on a date to the movies, we went into the dive bar and had a couple more drinks. I almost never wear a bra or panties, and this night was no exception. Jack noticed and ran his hand up my inner thigh under my dress, right there at the bar. I tossed back the rest of my drink, looked at him and bit my lip. He smiled, leaned in to kiss me, and kept going with his fingers, teasing me under my dress, and then asked the bartender for his check. It was most definitely time to go.


We hurried to the car where we got in and realized, oh shit. We are BOTH staying with our parents right now. Jack was driving his dad’s car, and we couldn’t go back to either of our places, so we had to improvise. Jack drove to a dark parking lot nearby and we crawled into the back seat. It was only at this point that I noticed that the radio had been on this late 90s alt rock station, which only added to the high school nostalgia of the entire thing. Jack and I started going at it, aggressively making out, and he laid me down and pushed up my dress and started devouring me like I was his last meal. It was so hot, and just as I thought I’d cum soon he ripped off his shorts, revealing quite an impressive package and he slid in. He was just the right amount of rough, pulling my hair, lightly choking me and pretty much fucking my brains out. I came hard and as soon as I did, so did he, without missing a beat or even pulling out. While I realize getting cream pied on a first date isn’t exactly the smartest or safest thing I’ve ever done, it was so fucking hot I didn’t care.


Hoe tip: if you’re gonna make reckless decisions, at least make sure they’re fucking fun.


The windows of Jack’s dad’s Honda Accord were fogged up, R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion” was on the radio, and I was getting railed out in a back seat in a dark old parking lot. If that doesn’t bring back some teenaged memories, I don’t know what does. We fucked a couple more times (shout out to Jack for having outstanding stamina), and then decided it was getting late and we needed to get home. Jack drove me back to my mom’s house, which just so happened to be in the same neighborhood his parents lived in. We pulled up to my mom’s house, Jack kissed me one more time, and as I got out of the car I said “oh, you made the blog.”


Jack drove off, and I snuck back into my mom’s house with cum dripping down my inner thigh, really rounding out my trip down memory lane. I hopped in the shower, and laughed at myself the entire time in there, grabbed some water when I got out and crashed. Jack and I are still in touch, and I’m sure we’ll see each other sometime when we’re both home for the holidays. Can’t wait to make another mess in the back seat of his dad’s Honda Accord.


I matched with Jason on bumble shortly after moving to LA, but our communication was very sporadic and I didn’t really think we’d ever wind up meeting. First of all, he was gorgeous, and I almost assumed it was a fake profile given how infrequently he would message me and how long it took for him to ask for my number. But I held onto the idea that he was a real person because he was a catch by any standards. Tall with dark eyes and hair, a perfect smile and chiseled body. He was in his mid-thirties, a former model who owned a business and had homes in Denver and Beverly Hills, looking for something with substance. Hello dream guy! After a couple of months of back and forth communication, Jason and I were finally going out to dinner and drinks and I was really excited.

Jason walked in and I felt like the heart-eyes emoji. He was just as good-looking in person, and our chemistry was amazing. He had me laughing all throughout dinner, and we wound up sitting there for hours before we realized the place was closing and we were one of the last couples there. I’d taken an uber to the restaurant, and Jason offered to take me home. We arrived at my place and he got out to walk me to my door, and the goodnight kiss was like fireworks. I could not wait to see Jason again, and he quickly asked if I was free the next night. He came over the following night and we had a couple glasses of wine and paid absolutely zero attention to Netflix (no idea what we were even watching), and there was no chance of us keeping our clothes on.

The sex was amazing. He was generous and immediately started working his way down my body with his mouth until he was going down on me. We rolled around in the sheets for what seemed like an hour, and then once again in the morning before he left. Jason was definitely a keeper, and I was sad I’d have to wait another two weeks to see him again as he was heading back to Denver for some business meetings. He promised he’d let me know as soon as he was back in town and I couldn’t wait. Two weeks go by and I get a text from a girlfriend:

“Is this your dude?”

She had apparently matched with him previously on bumble as well and he was messaging her, all while telling me he was still in Denver. Okay, maybe he just got back, no big deal. She kept messaging back and forth just to see if he would admit to being back or get some more intel. Maybe Jason wasn’t as great as he seemed. He made weekend plans with her, all while ignoring me. I waited for him to finally respond, and when he did it was as if nothing had happened and he asked me out for the weekend as well. I said yes, and couldn’t be mad, after all I was going out with other people too and we’d only hung out twice, no harm no foul. But I was immediately suspicious when his timeline of being out-of-town didn’t add up.

I told another friend of mine the story and she wasn’t buying his excuses. She decided to do a little FBI work and what we found blew my mind. Jason, a self-proclaimed “good Christian man” had an entire family back in Denver. A wife, kids, the whole 9 yards, and he was just looking for his LA side piece. I went back and forth on whether or not I should track down the wife on facebook and tell her, or if I should just leave it alone and ghost on him. Jason made that choice pretty clear for me. The day before we were to go out again he texts me:

“Hey, you’re really great and a lot of fun, but I just don’t see this going anywhere. Take care.”

Looks like Jason either found a side piece who wouldn’t ask questions, or maybe he had no intention of seeing me again after he slept with me. Either way, I dodged a bullet. I have no interest in being the other woman, and for Jason’s wife’s sake, I hope he’s keeping it in his pants.