The Lyft Driver

Sometimes even I can’t believe some of my own ridiculous behavior. I continue time and time again to impress myself with just how much of an insane person I can be, and one July night a few years ago was definitely a fine example of just that. I was still living in Austin and had gone out for drinks with my friend Blair and a few of her friends. I quickly realized the entire evening was a couples’ night and that the friends were setting Blair up with a guy, Tim, which actually worked out pretty well considering they’re married now. Anyway, I was the odd one out so I opened up Tinder and started swiping. I had a few matches, including one guy whose name I can’t remember but he seemed cute enough and I invited him to come meet up with us out at Dogwood on west 6th street. We’ll just call this guy “Alex.” Blair, Tim, and I got drinks while waiting for Alex as the rest of our group called it a night.

When Alex showed up I was instantly disappointed. Nowhere near as cute as his photos and immediately one of the most annoying people I’d ever encountered. He mused on that he was an “actor” and “comedian,” which I’d have expected in LA but this was Austin, and did his absolute best to be over the top and obnoxious. We were in the outdoor area of the venue, and as he mentioned he was going to get a drink, I grabbed Blair and Tim and headed inside. It was so crowded I figured there was no way he’d see which way I went and we snuck over to a corner booth that just happened to be open. I thought I was safe from annoying ass Alex when I hear a “there you are!” He sat down next to me and I cringed. I tried to drop hints that I wasn’t interested but he was just not getting it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and texted Blair from inside:

“OMG GET RID OF HIM! Tell him I’m married. Tell him I have 12 kids. Tell him I have diarrhea. Tell him I have all the STDs, I don’t care GET RID OF HIM!!”

I waited a safe amount of time and returned only to see Blair and Tim’s extremely uncomfortable faces and Alex STILL sitting there. I’d had just enough to drink to build up some liquid courage so finally I just looked Alex straight in the face and said “Look. You’re really annoying. Please leave.” He promptly stopped speaking, got up, and walked away, never to be heard from again.

Sorry, Alex, but damn you really were super fucking annoying.

At this point it’s almost 2am, it’s last call, and people are beginning to leave the bar. Blair and Tim grabbed a Lyft home and I went to call one for myself and saw that it was surging, so I decided to go with a Lyft line. I’d never taken one, but I didn’t live super far from downtown and we were already on the west side where I lived so I figured I’d save $10 and go for it. My ride showed up with 2 passengers already in the back seat, so I hopped in the front, which is usually awkward, but to my (pleasant) surprise, my driver, Micah, was around my age and super cute. Dark hair, a nice tan, and a great smile, right up my alley.

We started on our way when the woman in the back seat, who was with her husband, complimented me.

“You’re so pretty!”

I love drunk women sometimes. They’re so nice and complimentary and always hype you up.

“Honey, isn’t she pretty??”

Ok, kind of odd to ask your husband but hey whatever, they were drunk, no big deal.

“Yeah she really is.”

Ok. Still ok, no biggee, I was gracious and thanked them and then I realized what was happening. The wife kept going on and on and mentioned that I was “their type.” Holy shit they were trying to take me home with them. Honestly, I was super flattered but also who were these people?? I didn’t know if they just wanted to fuck me or keep me in a dungeon, who the hell knows these days?? I declined their invitation and they were dropped off first.

Once they were out of the car, Micah and I finally just started cracking up laughing. That was most definitely a first and actually a great ice breaker for the two of us. We then started just making casual small talk, he asked what I did for a living and I told him about the brewery sales job I had at the time, and he told me about his plans to save up and travel. As we were getting closer to my place I decided to shoot my shot and ask if Micah was done working for the night or not.

“Nope, you’re my last ride of the night.”

I sure fucking was.

I asked Micah if he wanted to come up for a drink, he accepted and up we went. Once inside my apartment we had maybe one beer before we were making out. Micah was a good kisser, and as the makeout got more intense I suggested we move to my bedroom. Once on my bed Micah began making his way down my body and my clothes began to come off. With his head between my legs I laid back and let him make me cum with his mouth. I was glad I had condoms within reach because I was absolutely ready for Micah to fuck me. I can’t exactly remember how good the sex was or how big his dick was, but all I can recall is that I was extremely satisfied. After we were done we crashed out, and Micah left early in the morning.

I dozed back off after he left and when I woke back up I laid in bed, naked, just laughing at myself. I fucked my Lyft driver. I couldn’t even decide if that was hilarious and amazing or so ratchet I shouldn’t tell a soul. Obviously I went with the former and texted my best friend Rachann.

“So I fucked my Lyft driver last night.”

“Of course you did.”

Rachann had gotten used to my antics at this point and was practically in tears laughing as I recounted the night’s events to her over the phone.

Hoe tip: surround yourself with friends who support your hoe activities and hype you up rather than ones you judge you for it.

Oh, and if you’re wondering, Micah and I gave each other five stars…for both rides.

The Lawyer

I met the lawyer on Bumble last year about a month or two before I moved to Los Angeles. I think maybe his name was Ryan. Or Mark. Or James. Okay I don’t have any idea what his name was, but I remember that he was some fancy criminal defense attorney who clearly had tons of money he enjoyed spending on women. He was attractive, but probably not a guy I’d really notice out in a bar. Very standard white male, average height, average build, dark hair and eyes, a nice smile and looked very much like your basic 35-year-old attorney guy. We didn’t have a whole lot of conversation before we agreed to meet up, and I knew I was moving away from Austin soon so I really wasn’t too concerned with him being Mr. Right…but a Mr. Right Now who wanted to take me on a date, well I was down for that.

The lawyer suggested we meet at Perla’s, one of my favorite spots in Austin. When I got there, he was already sitting at the bar wearing a perfectly tailored suit that looked expensive. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and said he’d ordered a bottle of rose’. I liked his style already. Perla’s is known for their oysters, so we ordered a couple dozen and enjoyed the each other’s company for a couple of hours. The lawyer told me about how he splits his time between Austin, New York City, and Los Angeles and that he really just likes to have a few pretty girls in each city to spend what little down time he has with. Nice dinners, fancy parties, and no strings attached.

Sign. Me. Up.

After we finished the bottle of rose’ and our oysters, the lawyer suggested we go get drinks at Hotel St. Cecilia, a fancy boutique hotel where celebrities and hip wealthy people stay just off South Congress. He was a member there and had his personal suite he stays in whenever he was in town. I agreed to go, and it was within walking distance of Perla’s so we walked over that way, hand in hand. Our conversation stayed very light, basic flirtation, he told me about traveling and being a high-priced attorney, I told him about my plans to move to LA. He was the perfect amount of asshole. Like I knew he probably didn’t give a fuck about my life story, but he was interested enough in what I did for a living or what my professional aspirations were. We had drinks sent to his room and he showed me pictures and things from his most recent vacation in Thailand.

Once the drinks were gone we began making out (as one does), and things went from there. There was really nothing remarkable about the sex. He went down on me, put on a condom, and then we had pretty basic sex. A little missionary, then doggy, then he came. It was fairly quick and size wise he was pretty average. The sex seemed efficient though, which honestly made sense to me considering his lifestyle. Everything was done with purpose and efficiency with this guy. I imagine a long-term sexual relationship with him would have been really boring, but hey at least I came.

After we had sex, I got the feeling that he wasn’t the “hang out and fuck again later” type. Like he preferred to sleep alone sort of guy, which was fine with me because it was a Thursday night and only about 10pm at this point so I could still meet up with friends who were out for the night. I began to get dressed, and as I mentioned I was going to meet up with some friends he called a car for me to take me all of one mile to meet them. I certainly didn’t mind that. I went into the bathroom to make sure I didn’t look like I’d just gotten fucked, and when I came out the car was there. He walked me out and told me he was going to be traveling for the next couple weeks but he’d let me know when he was back or to let him know when I was in LA. We kissed goodbye, I hopped into the car and reached into my purse to grab my phone. But what I grabbed instead was even better.

Next to my phone were 5 crisp $100 bills.

Did I just accidentally become an escort? Did that seriously just happen? Did I just get paid for sex? I couldn’t believe it. I texted him a simple “Saw my gift, thank you!” and his only response was “Of course, beautiful, be good.”

I seriously could not believe what had just happened. I texted my friend Sarah that she would not believe what just happened and when I told her the story she couldn’t stop laughing. We joked that he was my new sugar daddy and I offered to buy a few rounds of shots to celebrate the absurdness that is my life. We got to Green Light Social on west 6th, ordered a round of tequila shots and when we lifted the shot glasses to toast I said “thanks daddy” as we could barely stop laughing long enough to take the shots. All night long we loudly thanked “daddy” for the shots I bought with his money and Sarah told the story of the night to just about anyone within earshot.

The lawyer and I kept in touch for a little while, but our schedules just made it too difficult to meet again and slowly the communication stopped. I’m sure he’s got his LA girls already, but who knows, maybe one day we’ll meet again. I was never really the type to specifically go for men who would spoil me financially or be my sugar daddy or anything, but after my date with the lawyer, well let’s just say I’m definitely accepting sponsor applications.