Let me just start by saying Pete is a categorically unsexy name, so when he messaged me on snapchat I wasn’t exactly optimistic that he would be hot. I have never been more happy to be wrong in my life. Pete snapped a few pictures of himself to me and I was almost positive he was fake–that’s how hot he was. He said he’d seen me on bumble and wanted to know more and I was happy to tell him anything he wanted to know. Here’s the thing about dating in Los Angeles: people are hot. Beautiful women and men are everywhere, and I am very much aware of where I fall on the LA hotness scale.
Spoiler alert: it’s not high.
You see, back in Texas, I’d say I could be considered a solid 8. It never really occurred to me when I moved out here that number rating would not transfer. Here, in the land of beautiful people, I’m pushing a hard 6 on a good day. I don’t have a flat stomach or fake tits or an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. I probably outweigh all of my female friends here by a good 20 pounds. So when an insanely gorgeous guy with chiseled abs and the face of a slightly fairer skinned 28 year old John Stamos says he wants to go out with me, I’m naturally skeptical he is a. real, and b. into me. But Pete was both.
I first met Pete at a dark lounge bar around the corner from his place in Hollywood. Convenient. Within 5 minutes of meeting this guy I thought “yep, I’m fucking him tonight.” Clearly, Pete thought the same thing. We barely made it through two or three drinks before we had to get out of there. As we’re walking, his hands are all over me and we keep stopping to make out and grope each other. He was aggressive and dominant and it turned me on like crazy as he would push me up against a telephone pole to kiss me while he had a firm fistful of my hair. Pete and I wanted each other so bad and before I knew it I was bent over the hood of a car with my skirt pushed up, one of his hands full of my hair and the other on my waist, right there along the street where he lived. After a couple of cars drove by we decided to head into his building, where we couldn’t help ourselves and we started going at it in the elevator on the way up to his apartment. Once inside, Pete threw me on his bed and wore me out. It was so hot, so animalistic and rough, and after we were done he laid with me and asked me about my life, my family, and genuinely seemed to want to get to know me.
We were both clear with each other that neither of us were looking for anything serious, and I think that’s why this thing with Pete and I worked so well. We could talk about things, and genuinely be friends, but we knew that sex was just sex and that it didn’t mean anything more than that. I saw Pete maybe 5 or 6 more times, stopping by his place for a lunch time quickie when I was in the neighborhood, heading over when I was leaving a bar at 2am, or just for a low key night in, involving lots and lots of rough, sweaty, hot sex. I even stopped by Pete’s place one time on my way to a date with another guy. I felt a little guilty about that one, but when the sex is that good how can I pass it up?
Things cooled off with Pete, and I’m not really even sure why. Our schedules just got busy and it became less logistically easy to meet up, so we just kind of drifted. We’ve matched again on bumble and tinder since then and always make jokes about it, but nothing really ever materializes. Maybe I’ll text Pete tonight and see what he’s up to…
You ever hear that phrase “young, dumb, and full of cum?” Well, that was Matt. I met him through Instagram, oddly enough, when he slid right in my DMs after saying he saw me on bumble and had to take me out sometime. Matt was cute, and had a nice body, but was only 25—well under my typical age cutoff by a couple of years, but I figured why not. He seemed sweet and eager to please, so I agreed to go on a date with him. I honestly can’t even remember where our first date was, I just remember him being so naive and sweet and so clearly not cut out for dating in Los Angeles. He had a thick Minnesota accent and was average height at best, but he had a nice smile and he was sweet.
We wound up having sex on maybe the first or second date, I’m not sure, but he definitely knew what to do when it came to oral. I think he was just so excited to be with an older woman he basically did anything to get me off, which I appreciated, and honestly loved that I could be so totally selfish with this guy and he didn’t seem to mind. And then I realized that this kid had never had casually dated in his life. He literally only knew how to be a boyfriend and I was being his teacher on how to fuck without feelings.
Apparently, I’m a shitty teacher, because this boy fell fast.
I realized it when we went for a hike at Runyon. Halfway up the trail this guy was trying to hold my hand and when we got to the summit to rest for a minute he started trying to hug and kiss me. Okay dude, I for sure smell horrible and taste like dirt and sweat, the last thing I wanna do is make out with you. I should have called it all off then because I knew I did not want to date this guy, I was just in it for the sex. But being the true asshole I am, I kept stringing him along for a while for whenever I didn’t have plans or needed a date or something. I started to feel kind of bad, but then I thought, wait a minute. This is EXACTLY when men do all the time, and nobody seems to bat an eye.
So why can’t I?
I felt like I’d been clear with him in that I did not want a relationship and that this was casual, so where was the wrongdoing? Isn’t that what men do? I’m not a dick for this, right? I continued to go out with and sleep with Matt until one day at his place when we were watching a movie. I don’t remember what was on, but I realized in that moment that Matt was so, so dumb. He kept asking questions every 5 minutes that I felt like were so totally unnecessary. “Why is he acting like that?” “What is she doing?” “What is going on?” I DON’T KNOW, MATT, SHUT UP AND WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE!
Fewer thing turn me off more than a dumb guy. I knew after that I was done. But here was the hard part about dating like a man: how do I end it when the guy hasn’t done anything wrong, I’m just over it? So I did the shitty thing, that I HATE having done to me, and I ghosted. I’d say I went at least a couple weeks without responding to Matt’s texts when I think he finally got the hint and stopped trying to reach me. Until this text came through:
“I miss your tight pussy.”
Oh Matt. I don’t even know how to answer that. So I didn’t. Fuck, I’m an asshole. I could have at least given him the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” (see Tyler), line, but no, I just went MIA on the poor kid without any explanation. I don’t exactly know where Matt stood with this, but the next thing I knew I saw on Instagram that he had moved back to Minnesota and was done with Los Angeles.
Oops. Sorry, Matt.
My friend Scott (who you may have seen reading fake books on the subway in NYC with titles like “Ass Eating for Beginners” and “Slut Shaming Your Baby”) hosts a hilarious live talk show called Running Late out in NYC and he is doing some shows in LA graciously invited me to be a guest tonight! I’ll be sharing a green room with these awesome people and I’m so excited! Go to runninglateshow.com for tickets!
I met Tyler on Bumble right after I moved to Los Angeles. We decided to meet at this cool spot in Studio City that neither of us had ever been to. He walked in and I realized he was at least a foot taller than I am and much cuter in person. Blonde hair, blue eyes, adorable smile and a little bit of scruff. Thin and almost a little nerdy, but incredibly well dressed. We hit it off immediately. A drink turned into drinks, which turned into dinner, which turned into “one more drink” at his place. Well. I’m not lying when I said it was only one more drink, but that’s only because we couldn’t make it too much longer without needing to take each other’s clothes off.
“But you should never fuck on the first date if you want him to respect you!”
What-fucking-ever. The sex was amazing. He was most definitely a giver and was adventurous. Guys with a nerdy side are almost always so much fun in bed, and Tyler was no exception. He was also really sweet and kind. I spent the night and he was nothing short of courteous and warm in the morning and said he’d love to see me again. I wasn’t really sure if I was interested in actual dating or if I just wanted to keep him around for the great sex and free dinners, but either way I was definitely into him.
We continued to see each other I’d say 4 or 5 more times, so at this point I’m thinking “oh shit is this going somewhere?” Talking daily, seeing each other weekly, and I’d met a couple of his friends. Was I actually dating Tyler? Was I going to be like “hey guys this is my boyfriend Tyler” in a few months? Was I even interested in that? I was starting to think that maybe I was. Until, clearly, Tyler wasn’t.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
OF COURSE. Of fucking course, Tyler. Just out of nowhere, randomly, he decided he wasn’t really feeling it anymore. Look. I’m not an idiot, nor am I overly sensitive, so just tell me what’s up. Did you meet someone else? Did I do something that was a turn off? Did you decide “maybe my soulmate isn’t a girl I fucked within 5 hours of meeting?” What the hell was it???
Tyler assured me it was nothing I did, and that he thinks I’m great, but that he just wasn’t really interested in dating anymore. I heard from him maybe once or twice after that, just to say hello or because one of us saw something that reminded us of one another, but that’s about it. I’ll never really know if Tyler was full of shit or if he just loses interest as quickly as I usually do, but honestly I’m mostly just bummed about not getting to have sex with him anymore.
Thank goodness I’ve got a healthy roster.