The Australian

Okay, I’ll admit it. I forgot his name. If y’all didn’t think I was a total asshole before, you probably do now. Whatever. Anyway, I matched with this hot Australian guy on Tinder in LA the day before I was heading to Vegas for a random January weekend getaway. We talked a little back and forth and it turned out he was in the states for a few months and was deciding if he wanted to stay in LA or not. I told him I was heading to Vegas for the weekend but we should get together when I get back and by some random coincidence he just happened to be going to Vegas that weekend as well and had a suite at MGM Grand. Perfect. We planned to meet at the whiskey bar there in the casino on Sunday.

The Aussie was there before me and was every bit as cute as he was in his pictures. Tall, blonde, blue eyes, and a Perth accent so thick I could barely understand him. Thankfully a couple of my close friends are Australian so I was able to decipher his slang, but otherwise he basically would have been speaking another language. Not that it really mattered, this guy was not sticking around or anything, he was just something fun to do for the night. We had a few drinks and then decided we needed to eat and looked around for a restaurant. Aussie was in the mood for steak, which I’ll never turn down, so we decided on Craftsteak. A $300-$400 steak dinner in Vegas with a hot Aussie? Uhhh yeah I’ll take it.

 

Dinner was amazing, he ordered a bottle of wine and we went to town on some amazing steaks. We walked around the casino floor a little and then decided to hit up the Hakkasan nightclub there at MGM. We danced and had a few drinks and at this point were already pretty drunk so everything sounded like a good idea. Aussie had never played craps before and it’s my favorite table game, so we left the club and hit up a craps table. Aussie handed me a bunch of cash and told me to show him how to play. Gambling with someone else’s money is the best way to gamble. We played for a while, won a little cash and finally decided it was time to go back to his hotel room and get weird.

 

As soon as we got in the door Aussie was ripping my clothes off like a fucking caveman and I could not have been more turned on. He threw me on the bed, pushed my legs open and dove in face first. God I love a man who enthusiastically eats pussy. After I came we rolled around and I feel like he put me into every different sexual position known to man, fucking my brains out, before finally grabbing me and flipping me on top of him. As I’m riding him he grabs my hand and slides it to his throat. This was new, I’m usually the choke-ee, not the choker, but it was oddly satisfying. I got more and more aggressive with him and he was loving every second of it. Before I knew it I was fucking him and slapping him in the face. And I don’t mean light little love taps, hauling off and slapping the shit out of him. And he could not have been happier. He came and we both almost immediately passed out. I was fucking exhausted!

 

Our flights back to LA were roughly around the same time the next day so we decided to head to the airport together, probably still drunk from the night before, we kissed goodbye when I got to my terminal since we were on different airlines, and texted each other when we landed. We’d considered getting dinner in LA that night but we were both exhausted, and he was leaving for Nicaragua the next day. I’ll probably never speak to Aussie again, and I don’t even remember his name, but that was honestly some of the hottest sex I’ve ever had. So if you’re out there reading this, Aussie guy, thanks for an amazing night in Vegas and the many sex bruises that covered my body afterward. I may have forgotten your name, but definitely not how great in bed you were.

An Open Letter to Assholes on the Internet

I’ll start out by saying that the majority of y’all who are reading this are probably pretty cool people. I have lots of really awesome fans and there are plenty of normal dudes out there who this does not apply to. But unfortunately, there are enough of them that this does, and I felt like it was important to say something.

Ever since I began gaining what little internet fame I have, I’ve received harassment in several forms. Unsolicited dick pics, strangers calling me fat, disgusting, trash, ugly, the list goes on and on. This used to happen maybe once a week but as my follower count has grown, so has the harassment. This is every day. I’ve had men tell me that if I got raped it would be my fault, or that I deserved to be raped to teach me a lesson. And why? Because I’m open about my sexuality? Because I make jokes about enjoying casual sex? Because I turned down their sexual advances? Because I’m a woman?

Here’s the deal. I could be a literal prostitute and still would not deserve to be harassed and berated by strangers on the internet. Women are far too often socialized to be ashamed of their sexuality, or that enjoying sex is taboo and dirty. There is NOTHING wrong with enjoying sex with whoever the hell you want to enjoy sex with, so long as everyone is a consenting adult. I love men, and I love having sex, is that so wrong? Does that make me less of a person? Absolutely fucking not.

I recently posted a screenshot of an email I received from a man named Ronnel Ricardo Parham. He berated me calling me trash, accusing me of being unhappy and having low self-esteem. This man has never met me, never had a real conversation with me, and only knows me from my jokes and photos on the internet. We are complete strangers. This verbal assault came after he told me how hot I was and sent me an unsolicited dick pic, which I promptly blocked him for. Over the following several MONTHS he proceeded to contact me on every form of social media that I own and attempted to send me a friend request on my personal, private Facebook account. I noticed that he is local to Los Angeles, and his persistence to track me down made me feel unsafe, and I blocked him from everything except Snapchat because I could not remember what his username was. He contacted me once more on snapchat and I told him to leave me alone, and blocked him. This prompted the hate-filled email I received. I responded and told him that he was behaving like a stalker and that if he contacted me again I would be calling the police. I hope that was enough to make him leave me alone.

Here is a tip for you guys: don’t send unsolicited dick pics. If you were to see a woman in public that you find attractive, or even let’s say she was wearing something provocative (not that it matters in the least bit), and you went up to her and said “You’re hot” and pulled your dick out, you would be arrested. That is sexual harassment. It’s equally as not-okay on the internet. Unless a woman explicitly asks to see your dick, or it is a woman you have a sexual flirtation relationship with and she is sexting you, don’t send a dick pic. Sure, there may be some women out there that wouldn’t mind it, but the majority of us don’t and it’s better to err on the side of caution.

“But you’re always talking about how much of a hoe you are, you kind of deserve it,” the men in the back cry.

Does a woman wearing a sexy outfit deserve to get groped by a stranger? Or the girl who thought she wanted to have sex but changed her mind, does she deserve to get raped? Or what about the woman who was flirting with you at the bar but is too drunk now to consent, is she asking for it too? Do you see where I’m going with this? No woman (or man for that matter) deserves unwelcome sexual advances or harassment. I can have sex with every man in Los Angeles and it still does not give you the right to sexually harass me. Being a sex positive and sexually confident woman should be just as acceptable as a sexually confident man.

To all of you men reading this and agreeing, thank you, I’m way more likely to sleep with a man who respects me as a sexual being. All you ladies reading and nodding your head, I hope you’re empowered to embrace your own sexuality in whatever way you choose to (as long as everyone is a consenting adult). And to those of you reading this thinking I’m just some dumb slut on a soapbox, move along. Don’t read my blog, don’t follow me on Instagram. I don’t need your negativity. Take up a hobby or something.

Now, back to the dick jokes and stories about the men I’ve banged.

Xoxo,

Meredith

Raffi

I met Raffi on Tinder (what a surprise) and I was immediately attracted to his beard and tattoos. He was Armenian, lived in the valley and owned an Armenian restaurant in Van Nuys, seemed to have his shit together and had a great sense of humor. After a couple of days of talking he invited me to dinner at a place I love, The Misfit in Santa Monica. I immediately noticed he was a little shorter than I’d expected, but honestly what the fuck do I care, I’m 5’2” (5’3” if my hair has volume that day). Shortness aside, Raffi was cute and had a great laugh. Dinner was amazing as usual and we decided to go to a bar around the corner afterwards for a few more drinks. It was truly a textbook perfect first date. We kissed good night and I knew I definitely wanted to see him again. 

That week was Thanksgiving, so we were both super busy with family stuff and couldn’t coordinate to meet for another week, but we talked every day and he seemed great. Raffi asked me out for drinks again, and then invited me over the next night. Fucking finally I was gonna get laid, what’s with these guys not wanting to fuck on the first date? What bizarro world am I living in? Anyway, I went over to Raffi’s for the classic “Netflix & chill” night and was immediately comfortable laying on the couch with him. Let me tell y’all, getting stoned as fuck and watching David Blaine specials is WHERE IT’S AT.

 

We finally started making out and made our way to his bed. He began taking my clothes off and kissing me, working his way down my body to land between my legs. Good job, Raffi. A tip for all you fellas: go down on her first to make sure she cums. So many women don’t cum from sex, gotta make sure she gets hers and she’ll be more enthusiastic during sex. After he successfully went down on me, I then went to return the favor (like a lady). Average sized dick, nothing to write home about, and after I warmed him up a little with a blowjob, he was ready to fuck. The sex was okay, not bad, not amazing, but decent. Pretty standard sex, but whatever, I came from oral so I’m fine with it.

 

I stayed the night and headed home in the morning, and Raffi said he would get tickets to a show at The Comedy Store that I really wanted to go to a couple days before my birthday that following week and I was super excited. We went to the show that Sunday night and had a great time. Since Raffi lived in the valley and I’m way down on the west side I decided not to go home with him in favor of not sitting through Monday morning traffic the next day. He asked me to let him know when I got home, I did, and bid him goodnight. The next day I texted him to congratulate him on closing on a new condo, and got no response. No big deal, I figured he was busy.

 

The next day was my birthday. I waited until maybe 1 or 2pm and still had not received any sort of “Happy Birthday” text from Raffi and was obviously annoyed. There are few things girls love more than their own birthdays, and not wishing a woman you were recently inside of a happy birthday is fucking rude. I texted to invite him to dinner with my friends and I, no response.

 

Did this fool really leave me on read ON MY BIRTHDAY?

 

I was reasonably upset about him just going M.I.A. on me like that, considering we’d had 4 really great dates and I had zero indication that he wasn’t into me. The rest of the week went by with radio silence from Raffi. Finally that Friday I decided to text him and ask him what the hell the deal was. I don’t really deal well with being ghosted, I just always want to know what the problem was (because I’m a girl and we are neurotic as fuck). I was all pissed off and then finally, Raffi responded. His reason for ghosting? Because I didn’t offer to pay on any of our dates.

 

Let me be clear about something. I can buy my own drinks and dinner. I do it all the time. But when YOU ask ME out, YOU are paying buddy. Also, maybe this is the southern girl in me but that’s how dating fucking works, bro. We’d only gone out 3 times not including the night at his place where I fucking drove all the way to the goddamn valley to get some mediocre dick, 2 of which were his invitation and the third was mutually agreed upon and was an early birthday celebration. Why the fuck would I offer to pay in any of those situations?

 

After I tore Raffi a new asshole via text he then had the audacity to say that he thought I was being crazy for being upset about the situation considering we were “basically strangers.” After talking every day for 2 ½ weeks and seeing each other 4 times we are not strangers dude. I guess Raffi regularly sticks his average dick in strangers on the reg or something. Well Raffi, good luck with dating in Los Angeles because if you’re irate about me not offering to pay, you’re gonna have a real bad time with every other girl here. I gave him my final thoughts on what a douche he is and promptly blocked his number.

 

Hoe tip: don’t go out with cheap assholes.

Ask Meredith!

Here are this week’s questions from you guys! Keep em coming, y’all!

 

Q: Is the thickness (girth) more important than the actual length of a penis? Which would you prefer or which would you say is more important than the other? Men would love to excel in both measurements, but if women had to pick which is better the length or the thickness? Example: Would a 5 inch thick penis feel better than an 8 inch skinny penis?

A: I’ll start out by saying that I do not speak for all women. But personally, I prefer a solid girth over just a long dick. I’m pretty small inside and anything longer than around 8-8.5 inches hurts me in many positions. The g spot is also located only a few inches inside the vaginal wall, so you don’t technically need some giant anaconda to hit it right. But having decent girth is important. I don’t want it to just feel like you’ve got a finger in there!

 

Q: So I’ve always been a super sexual person. And open and proud about that. I got the hang of casual sex/dating and it was working well for me for a long time. But then, I had a bad batch of dudes. A few in a row who, for what ever reason, played me pretty hard by acting like our casual fling was meaningful, then, as soon as I’d start believing them, they’d bolt for the hills. Leaving me infuriated time and time again. And eventually I got to the point where I am now, which is I’m basically too jaded to date. If a guy pays me any attention Im immediately defensive and hostile. Basically, I’m a cunt to any guy who hits on me. And a cunt to guys who don’t. I’m just generally a cunt to guys. And the thought of letting a guy flirt with me enough to get me into bed, makes my skin crawl. I’ve never been this asexual, and it’s freaking me out. I guess my question is, have you ever been through this phase, and if so, did it pass on its own accord or did it take you being proactive about it? I wanna get back to loving having an active sex!

A: First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I can completely related on being too jaded to date. Bad relationships, bad dating experiences, and just all around bad men can make any woman say “fuck it” and throw her hands up. I’ve been there. But instead of being hostile, or being on the defensive, try taking the approach of a man. I always say that I date like a man. I make the first move in many cases, or if I don’t, I clearly define what the situation is going to be and how it will benefit me. Take ownership of the situation instead of allowing it to happen. I love dating apps for this, especially Bumble, because it literally forces you to make the first move. Be direct, be clear, be friendly, and in my experience men will respond very favorably to the confidence and to a woman being clear in her intentions. Get out there and get some dick, girl!

 

Q: I’m a newly single 33-year-old successful business woman living in Sacramento, CA. I went through the typical newly single transformation and lost a bunch of weight, got a glam team together to keep up my spray tan, lash extensions, hair extensions and overall general appearance. I live downtown in one of the trendiest neighborhoods but I’m still having trouble meeting guys. I’ve been dating a guy for a few months but he’s very busy with building his career, and like most girls I require a lot of attention. I thought because I have all these things going for me (awesome career, banging body, glam squad) that guys would flock to me but it’s just not happening. I’ve been out of the dating scene for 4 years so I’ve never used dating apps and was really really against them but now I’m wondering if I’m not getting any guys because they just don’t walk up to girls and talk to them anymore. Do I have to use a dating app to meet guys these days? What apps would you recommend?

A: Dating these days is so weird. As I’ve mentioned a few times I was married and I was with my ex for 6 years–since before dating apps existed. I was so out of the game. I immediately hopped on Tinder, and went on several dates from it, some hits, some misses, added Bumble into the mix, got rid of both of them and then what I found was that men don’t approach women in a bar anymore. It’s just not the way we’ve been socialized since the invention of dating apps. Dating is HARD AS FUCK today because it’s like we’ve got infinite selection at our fingertips. That said, I’m totally a fan of Bumble. The woman has to make the first move so you have a little more control over the situation, and I’ve met several super hot guys. Bumble is also extremely female friendly; if a man exhibits some shitty behavior (i.e. sending an unsolicited dick pic through the app, or being an asshole when messaging) you can report his profile and Bumble will actually disable the guy’s account. I’ve even made some incredible friends through dating apps, give them a shot!

 

Q: Sometimes if it gets hot and heavy, I usually want to bust my load after a bit. I can hold it for a long time with that feeling, but I get distracted from her pleasure. Should I just start off by getting one off early and telling her that, because I can stay hard and it takes plenty of time, like an hour before I need to explode and take a break. Or should I play it by ear and see how easily she cums and decide then?

A: I have run into countless men who cum way too fast and I don’t get mine, and it’s beyond annoying. Jerk off before your girl comes over or before your date. You gotta get one outta the way so you can last a long time when the time comes to have sex. If you regularly can go for a long time, then don’t worry about it, but I highly recommend masturbating (for both men AND women) before a date. Not only do you ensure that you can last (for men) and that you get off (for women) but you also don’t have clouded judgment going in and know for sure if you really want to have sex with this person or if you’re just horny.

 

Q: So I went on a 3rd date with my favorite tinder dude. We met up at his place and there was a used condom on his floor! I got super awkward, but ultimately still went on the date. What would you have done?

A: Okay,  I applaud him for being safe and if you’re just casually seeing each other/sleeping together he is well within his right to be sleeping with other people BUT WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? That is gross! Clean your goddamn room bro, who leaves used condoms just casually lying around?? I’d have called him out immediately for being gross. Not gross for fucking other people, but gross for leaving that shit laying around. If he reacted by being embarrassed and having no idea it was there, then alright, he gets a pass, but if he laughs it off I’m grossed out just for sanitary reasons. It’s not that hard to throw away your cum-filled condom after fucking someone, man.

 

If you’ve got some sex/dating/life questions you think I can answer feel free to head to my contact page and ask me anything or shoot me an email at meredith@meredithactually.com!

XOXO,

Meredith

John

Okay, I’ll be honest. Sometimes I go on Tinder dates just because I’m bored and want to spice up my hook up rotation. It might be a little misleading, but come on, who’s on Tinder to find their soul mate anyway?

 

Enter John. A random Tinder match that I decided to say “fuck it” and grab a drink with one Monday night. We agreed to meet at a bar between our places and, as per usual, I was running a few minutes late. I almost never care about being on time to dates like this. No, I’m not going to make a guy wait for an hour or anything absurd, but I’m also not going to stress out about arriving exactly at 8pm for a guy I’m pretty much intending on hooking up with a couple of times and never seeing again.

 

Alright, I’m an asshole. Whatever.

 

Anyway, I walk in to find John sitting at the end of the bar. He was cute, not hot, but I thought “he’ll do.” He turned out to be actually really cool and our conversation was great. He was also a writer, and had read my blog and was enthusiastically asking questions about my social media and point of view. It was flattering to be complimented by someone who was a significantly more accomplished writer than I am. We talked about everything, our childhoods, our past relationships, what we liked in bed, and it turned out this guy was definitely my sexual equal, even suggesting we hit up a swinger’s party sometime, and I decided I was definitely going home with him that night.

 

We kept drinking and laughing, and began making out at the bar. I hate being those people but when I’ve had enough tequila I could probably mount a guy in public and not give a fuck who’s watching. He had his hand running up the inside of my thigh and could tell I wasn’t wearing panties under my leggings. To be fair, I pretty much never wear them, but I could tell it turned him on. I playfully pushed his hand away and told him he better take me home so I could sit on his face.

 

Look, I never claimed to be the classiest girl in Los Angeles. I blame tequila.

 

He quickly got his check and called an uber and we were on our way to his place. Once we got there, it wasn’t long before my leggings were off and he was face down in between my thighs. Well done, John, well done. After he finished me off and we kissed for a while it was my turn to gladly return the favor. Now, I know every girl thinks they give a great blowjob, but I’m not lying when I say I have talent. As soon as I got started John’s eyes rolled back and he was extremely vocal about his appreciation. I kept going and just as my ego is at an all time high from John’s obvious enjoyment of my oral skills, he grabs my hair and says my name.

 

No wait. Not my name. His ex girlfriend’s name.

 

I stop everything and jerk my head back. “Kristin? Yeah, dude my name is Meredith.” I was so insulted and pissed. Like okay, fine, you’re not over your ex, but how fucking hard is it to just not say anything while your dick is literally in my mouth? Maybe this was just karma for essentially using him for sex with no intention of actually dating this guy. Or maybe he was just an idiot. He was rightfully embarrassed and clearly felt like shit, but I was just too annoyed to even entertain his apology so I rolled over, said goodnight, and went to sleep.

 

Hoe tip: don’t hook up with guys who aren’t over their exes.

 

When I woke up in the morning he was trying to kiss me and be apologetic, and while I kind of didn’t care, I was still a little annoyed. He obviously still felt horrible about the situation, so I milked it for some more unreciprocated oral sex, and then called myself an uber. As I left he asked if he could make it up to me still and I just rolled my eyes and said “congratulations John, you made the blog.”

 

To be perfectly honest, I’m not even that mad. I got head 3 times and didn’t really have to do anything, and I don’t even have to call him again. Not bad for a Monday night; thanks John!

Ask Meredith!

I’m so excited to add this for the first time to my site! You guys have sent me a some good questions and I’m looking forward to answering more. Here’s this week’s therapy session!

Q: Is it possible to date someone who hates feelings? 6 months ago I started dating my best friends sister-in-law because he told me I couldn’t after I said she was beautiful. So it started out of spite but after a half of a date I realized she was actually someone who I could really be with. I’m not much of a feeling guy but I really do like her so should I give up or just keep dating her and hope one day she changes her ways.

A: As someone who hates feelings, this is a tough call. If you really like her and think she’s worth it, I’d encourage you to hang in there, but look after yourself. Don’t allow her to walk all over you or to string you along. Be direct; 6 months is a long time to still be figuring out if the emotional level is there. Ask her if she sees a future with you and be clear to her about the way you feel. If she is still around she obviously has some sort of feelings for you, so just make her feel comfortable expressing herself to you.

 

Q: Is the toilet paper roll test true or false? If a guy can slide his penis inside the roll does that mean he’s smaller than average? It’s a girth test or something? Hope to hear back thanks!

A: Okay first of all, what is this toilet paper roll shit you kids are doing these days? Never not once have I told a guy to stick his dick inside a toilet paper roll. That’s fucking dumb. A better way to tell if your girth is on point is by actually fucking a girl and letting her tell you. And ladies, don’t lie. That does NOBODY any good. Guys, stop sticking your dicks in toilet paper rolls and start sticking your dicks in some pussy or a mouth or an asshole, fuck.

 

Q: So here’s the deal. I got into contact with a girl who lives on the other side of the country. We text pretty often. She’s pretty cool, attractive, etc. She sends me sexy pics and we talk about some hot and heavy stuff.

All that is great but I just don’t want to come across as the average dude. She tends to lead with sexuality which isn’t a bad thing. I just want to be different from the pack and stimulate her mind and body. Hard to do via text and I want to keep her interested until we plan visits. Does that make sense? Don’t want the typical boring small talk.

 

A: I can totally relate to this situation. I got into something similar at one point and what really made me see this guy as something different was that he was pretty much the only guy NOT making everything about sex. He was genuinely interested in my life, my goals, my background, etc. If she’s comfortable giving out personal information maybe send her flowers or something, just a nice gesture to show that you’re not just interested in fucking her. Ask her about what she wants for her future, show a genuine interest in her interests. Now, if she is only interested in something sexual, then those things might scare her away. But there’s really only one way to be sure if this is worth pursuing and that’s just going for it. That’s what worked for me, and we wound up meeting up and having an amazing time together and stayed in touch for  months before he wound up being a total douche. Don’t be a douche.

 

Q: So a lot of people around my area want just relationships. I don’t mind that but I’m picky AF. Plus I’m in college and just want to have fun and I mean who doesn’t love sex? But everyone I meet seems to want to talk for 3 months and then date for another 3 before they even do anything sexual. Not sure if it’s me but any ideas on what I can do to fix this situation?

A: Okay, what the hell prude ass college do you go to??? When I was in college hooking up was the word! Honestly if we’ve gone out on 3 dates and you haven’t attempted to put your dick in me I’m not even interested. Get on tinder. I know, I know, but seriously. College is the exact time you should be having fun and not being serious about anything relationship wise. I’ve always said, being in a relationship in college is a lot like leaving a party at 9:30—you’re outta the game before it even gets good! Tinder is a great resource for finding other people who just want to have fun and have no expectations. Another good tip is go for someone older. People in their mid to late 20s are less likely to play those games and be down for just a good time, and if they’re not they’ll tell you so. And college aged ladies, if you’re reading this, dump your boyfriends and have a hoe phase, it builds character.

 

Q: How can I tell if a girl is playing me?

A: Well, if she’s any good at it, you can’t. But here are some tell-tale signs. She still has her tinder or bumble app on her phone, she keeps her phone close to her chest when she answers it, and her snap/IG DMs are poppin off at all times (unless she’s a memer or something). Another way is that when texts pop up on her phone other guys have suggestive emojis next to their names. I only have emojis next to my 2 best friends’ names and on the off-chance I were to actually have a boyfriend I’d probably put one after his. Another way to tell is if she is purposely vague with details when she tells you what she’s doing. Pay attention when she omits details, and watch the way she introduces you to her friends and the way they react to meeting you. Also look at her social media and see who she is commenting on or tagging in things. I legitimately figured out a guy was playing me all because of comments and tagged things on instagram. Personally, I just ask someone if they’re talking to/sleeping with anyone else. If you have a suspicion, it’s better to just get it out-of-the-way and ask instead of acting like a crazy stalker and then potentially being wrong.

 

Thank you for your questions guys! I have some more in my DMs and emails and I’ll answer even more of them next week so keep them coming! Ask me anything, sex questions, dating , whatever you can think of! Until next week y’all.

Xoxo,

Meredith