Raffi

I met Raffi on Tinder (what a surprise) and I was immediately attracted to his beard and tattoos. He was Armenian, lived in the valley and owned an Armenian restaurant in Van Nuys, seemed to have his shit together and had a great sense of humor. After a couple of days of talking he invited me to dinner at a place I love, The Misfit in Santa Monica. I immediately noticed he was a little shorter than I’d expected, but honestly what the fuck do I care, I’m 5’2” (5’3” if my hair has volume that day). Shortness aside, Raffi was cute and had a great laugh. Dinner was amazing as usual and we decided to go to a bar around the corner afterwards for a few more drinks. It was truly a textbook perfect first date. We kissed good night and I knew I definitely wanted to see him again. 

That week was Thanksgiving, so we were both super busy with family stuff and couldn’t coordinate to meet for another week, but we talked every day and he seemed great. Raffi asked me out for drinks again, and then invited me over the next night. Fucking finally I was gonna get laid, what’s with these guys not wanting to fuck on the first date? What bizarro world am I living in? Anyway, I went over to Raffi’s for the classic “Netflix & chill” night and was immediately comfortable laying on the couch with him. Let me tell y’all, getting stoned as fuck and watching David Blaine specials is WHERE IT’S AT.

 

We finally started making out and made our way to his bed. He began taking my clothes off and kissing me, working his way down my body to land between my legs. Good job, Raffi. A tip for all you fellas: go down on her first to make sure she cums. So many women don’t cum from sex, gotta make sure she gets hers and she’ll be more enthusiastic during sex. After he successfully went down on me, I then went to return the favor (like a lady). Average sized dick, nothing to write home about, and after I warmed him up a little with a blowjob, he was ready to fuck. The sex was okay, not bad, not amazing, but decent. Pretty standard sex, but whatever, I came from oral so I’m fine with it.

 

I stayed the night and headed home in the morning, and Raffi said he would get tickets to a show at The Comedy Store that I really wanted to go to a couple days before my birthday that following week and I was super excited. We went to the show that Sunday night and had a great time. Since Raffi lived in the valley and I’m way down on the west side I decided not to go home with him in favor of not sitting through Monday morning traffic the next day. He asked me to let him know when I got home, I did, and bid him goodnight. The next day I texted him to congratulate him on closing on a new condo, and got no response. No big deal, I figured he was busy.

 

The next day was my birthday. I waited until maybe 1 or 2pm and still had not received any sort of “Happy Birthday” text from Raffi and was obviously annoyed. There are few things girls love more than their own birthdays, and not wishing a woman you were recently inside of a happy birthday is fucking rude. I texted to invite him to dinner with my friends and I, no response.

 

Did this fool really leave me on read ON MY BIRTHDAY?

 

I was reasonably upset about him just going M.I.A. on me like that, considering we’d had 4 really great dates and I had zero indication that he wasn’t into me. The rest of the week went by with radio silence from Raffi. Finally that Friday I decided to text him and ask him what the hell the deal was. I don’t really deal well with being ghosted, I just always want to know what the problem was (because I’m a girl and we are neurotic as fuck). I was all pissed off and then finally, Raffi responded. His reason for ghosting? Because I didn’t offer to pay on any of our dates.

 

Let me be clear about something. I can buy my own drinks and dinner. I do it all the time. But when YOU ask ME out, YOU are paying buddy. Also, maybe this is the southern girl in me but that’s how dating fucking works, bro. We’d only gone out 3 times not including the night at his place where I fucking drove all the way to the goddamn valley to get some mediocre dick, 2 of which were his invitation and the third was mutually agreed upon and was an early birthday celebration. Why the fuck would I offer to pay in any of those situations?

 

After I tore Raffi a new asshole via text he then had the audacity to say that he thought I was being crazy for being upset about the situation considering we were “basically strangers.” After talking every day for 2 ½ weeks and seeing each other 4 times we are not strangers dude. I guess Raffi regularly sticks his average dick in strangers on the reg or something. Well Raffi, good luck with dating in Los Angeles because if you’re irate about me not offering to pay, you’re gonna have a real bad time with every other girl here. I gave him my final thoughts on what a douche he is and promptly blocked his number.

 

Hoe tip: don’t go out with cheap assholes.

Ask Meredith!

Here are this week’s questions from you guys! Keep em coming, y’all!

 

Q: Is the thickness (girth) more important than the actual length of a penis? Which would you prefer or which would you say is more important than the other? Men would love to excel in both measurements, but if women had to pick which is better the length or the thickness? Example: Would a 5 inch thick penis feel better than an 8 inch skinny penis?

A: I’ll start out by saying that I do not speak for all women. But personally, I prefer a solid girth over just a long dick. I’m pretty small inside and anything longer than around 8-8.5 inches hurts me in many positions. The g spot is also located only a few inches inside the vaginal wall, so you don’t technically need some giant anaconda to hit it right. But having decent girth is important. I don’t want it to just feel like you’ve got a finger in there!

 

Q: So I’ve always been a super sexual person. And open and proud about that. I got the hang of casual sex/dating and it was working well for me for a long time. But then, I had a bad batch of dudes. A few in a row who, for what ever reason, played me pretty hard by acting like our casual fling was meaningful, then, as soon as I’d start believing them, they’d bolt for the hills. Leaving me infuriated time and time again. And eventually I got to the point where I am now, which is I’m basically too jaded to date. If a guy pays me any attention Im immediately defensive and hostile. Basically, I’m a cunt to any guy who hits on me. And a cunt to guys who don’t. I’m just generally a cunt to guys. And the thought of letting a guy flirt with me enough to get me into bed, makes my skin crawl. I’ve never been this asexual, and it’s freaking me out. I guess my question is, have you ever been through this phase, and if so, did it pass on its own accord or did it take you being proactive about it? I wanna get back to loving having an active sex!

A: First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I can completely related on being too jaded to date. Bad relationships, bad dating experiences, and just all around bad men can make any woman say “fuck it” and throw her hands up. I’ve been there. But instead of being hostile, or being on the defensive, try taking the approach of a man. I always say that I date like a man. I make the first move in many cases, or if I don’t, I clearly define what the situation is going to be and how it will benefit me. Take ownership of the situation instead of allowing it to happen. I love dating apps for this, especially Bumble, because it literally forces you to make the first move. Be direct, be clear, be friendly, and in my experience men will respond very favorably to the confidence and to a woman being clear in her intentions. Get out there and get some dick, girl!

 

Q: I’m a newly single 33-year-old successful business woman living in Sacramento, CA. I went through the typical newly single transformation and lost a bunch of weight, got a glam team together to keep up my spray tan, lash extensions, hair extensions and overall general appearance. I live downtown in one of the trendiest neighborhoods but I’m still having trouble meeting guys. I’ve been dating a guy for a few months but he’s very busy with building his career, and like most girls I require a lot of attention. I thought because I have all these things going for me (awesome career, banging body, glam squad) that guys would flock to me but it’s just not happening. I’ve been out of the dating scene for 4 years so I’ve never used dating apps and was really really against them but now I’m wondering if I’m not getting any guys because they just don’t walk up to girls and talk to them anymore. Do I have to use a dating app to meet guys these days? What apps would you recommend?

A: Dating these days is so weird. As I’ve mentioned a few times I was married and I was with my ex for 6 years–since before dating apps existed. I was so out of the game. I immediately hopped on Tinder, and went on several dates from it, some hits, some misses, added Bumble into the mix, got rid of both of them and then what I found was that men don’t approach women in a bar anymore. It’s just not the way we’ve been socialized since the invention of dating apps. Dating is HARD AS FUCK today because it’s like we’ve got infinite selection at our fingertips. That said, I’m totally a fan of Bumble. The woman has to make the first move so you have a little more control over the situation, and I’ve met several super hot guys. Bumble is also extremely female friendly; if a man exhibits some shitty behavior (i.e. sending an unsolicited dick pic through the app, or being an asshole when messaging) you can report his profile and Bumble will actually disable the guy’s account. I’ve even made some incredible friends through dating apps, give them a shot!

 

Q: Sometimes if it gets hot and heavy, I usually want to bust my load after a bit. I can hold it for a long time with that feeling, but I get distracted from her pleasure. Should I just start off by getting one off early and telling her that, because I can stay hard and it takes plenty of time, like an hour before I need to explode and take a break. Or should I play it by ear and see how easily she cums and decide then?

A: I have run into countless men who cum way too fast and I don’t get mine, and it’s beyond annoying. Jerk off before your girl comes over or before your date. You gotta get one outta the way so you can last a long time when the time comes to have sex. If you regularly can go for a long time, then don’t worry about it, but I highly recommend masturbating (for both men AND women) before a date. Not only do you ensure that you can last (for men) and that you get off (for women) but you also don’t have clouded judgment going in and know for sure if you really want to have sex with this person or if you’re just horny.

 

Q: So I went on a 3rd date with my favorite tinder dude. We met up at his place and there was a used condom on his floor! I got super awkward, but ultimately still went on the date. What would you have done?

A: Okay,  I applaud him for being safe and if you’re just casually seeing each other/sleeping together he is well within his right to be sleeping with other people BUT WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? That is gross! Clean your goddamn room bro, who leaves used condoms just casually lying around?? I’d have called him out immediately for being gross. Not gross for fucking other people, but gross for leaving that shit laying around. If he reacted by being embarrassed and having no idea it was there, then alright, he gets a pass, but if he laughs it off I’m grossed out just for sanitary reasons. It’s not that hard to throw away your cum-filled condom after fucking someone, man.

 

If you’ve got some sex/dating/life questions you think I can answer feel free to head to my contact page and ask me anything or shoot me an email at meredith@meredithactually.com!

XOXO,

Meredith

John

Okay, I’ll be honest. Sometimes I go on Tinder dates just because I’m bored and want to spice up my hook up rotation. It might be a little misleading, but come on, who’s on Tinder to find their soul mate anyway?

 

Enter John. A random Tinder match that I decided to say “fuck it” and grab a drink with one Monday night. We agreed to meet at a bar between our places and, as per usual, I was running a few minutes late. I almost never care about being on time to dates like this. No, I’m not going to make a guy wait for an hour or anything absurd, but I’m also not going to stress out about arriving exactly at 8pm for a guy I’m pretty much intending on hooking up with a couple of times and never seeing again.

 

Alright, I’m an asshole. Whatever.

 

Anyway, I walk in to find John sitting at the end of the bar. He was cute, not hot, but I thought “he’ll do.” He turned out to be actually really cool and our conversation was great. He was also a writer, and had read my blog and was enthusiastically asking questions about my social media and point of view. It was flattering to be complimented by someone who was a significantly more accomplished writer than I am. We talked about everything, our childhoods, our past relationships, what we liked in bed, and it turned out this guy was definitely my sexual equal, even suggesting we hit up a swinger’s party sometime, and I decided I was definitely going home with him that night.

 

We kept drinking and laughing, and began making out at the bar. I hate being those people but when I’ve had enough tequila I could probably mount a guy in public and not give a fuck who’s watching. He had his hand running up the inside of my thigh and could tell I wasn’t wearing panties under my leggings. To be fair, I pretty much never wear them, but I could tell it turned him on. I playfully pushed his hand away and told him he better take me home so I could sit on his face.

 

Look, I never claimed to be the classiest girl in Los Angeles. I blame tequila.

 

He quickly got his check and called an uber and we were on our way to his place. Once we got there, it wasn’t long before my leggings were off and he was face down in between my thighs. Well done, John, well done. After he finished me off and we kissed for a while it was my turn to gladly return the favor. Now, I know every girl thinks they give a great blowjob, but I’m not lying when I say I have talent. As soon as I got started John’s eyes rolled back and he was extremely vocal about his appreciation. I kept going and just as my ego is at an all time high from John’s obvious enjoyment of my oral skills, he grabs my hair and says my name.

 

No wait. Not my name. His ex girlfriend’s name.

 

I stop everything and jerk my head back. “Kristin? Yeah, dude my name is Meredith.” I was so insulted and pissed. Like okay, fine, you’re not over your ex, but how fucking hard is it to just not say anything while your dick is literally in my mouth? Maybe this was just karma for essentially using him for sex with no intention of actually dating this guy. Or maybe he was just an idiot. He was rightfully embarrassed and clearly felt like shit, but I was just too annoyed to even entertain his apology so I rolled over, said goodnight, and went to sleep.

 

Hoe tip: don’t hook up with guys who aren’t over their exes.

 

When I woke up in the morning he was trying to kiss me and be apologetic, and while I kind of didn’t care, I was still a little annoyed. He obviously still felt horrible about the situation, so I milked it for some more unreciprocated oral sex, and then called myself an uber. As I left he asked if he could make it up to me still and I just rolled my eyes and said “congratulations John, you made the blog.”

 

To be perfectly honest, I’m not even that mad. I got head 3 times and didn’t really have to do anything, and I don’t even have to call him again. Not bad for a Monday night; thanks John!

Ask Meredith!

I’m so excited to add this for the first time to my site! You guys have sent me a some good questions and I’m looking forward to answering more. Here’s this week’s therapy session!

Q: Is it possible to date someone who hates feelings? 6 months ago I started dating my best friends sister-in-law because he told me I couldn’t after I said she was beautiful. So it started out of spite but after a half of a date I realized she was actually someone who I could really be with. I’m not much of a feeling guy but I really do like her so should I give up or just keep dating her and hope one day she changes her ways.

A: As someone who hates feelings, this is a tough call. If you really like her and think she’s worth it, I’d encourage you to hang in there, but look after yourself. Don’t allow her to walk all over you or to string you along. Be direct; 6 months is a long time to still be figuring out if the emotional level is there. Ask her if she sees a future with you and be clear to her about the way you feel. If she is still around she obviously has some sort of feelings for you, so just make her feel comfortable expressing herself to you.

 

Q: Is the toilet paper roll test true or false? If a guy can slide his penis inside the roll does that mean he’s smaller than average? It’s a girth test or something? Hope to hear back thanks!

A: Okay first of all, what is this toilet paper roll shit you kids are doing these days? Never not once have I told a guy to stick his dick inside a toilet paper roll. That’s fucking dumb. A better way to tell if your girth is on point is by actually fucking a girl and letting her tell you. And ladies, don’t lie. That does NOBODY any good. Guys, stop sticking your dicks in toilet paper rolls and start sticking your dicks in some pussy or a mouth or an asshole, fuck.

 

Q: So here’s the deal. I got into contact with a girl who lives on the other side of the country. We text pretty often. She’s pretty cool, attractive, etc. She sends me sexy pics and we talk about some hot and heavy stuff.

All that is great but I just don’t want to come across as the average dude. She tends to lead with sexuality which isn’t a bad thing. I just want to be different from the pack and stimulate her mind and body. Hard to do via text and I want to keep her interested until we plan visits. Does that make sense? Don’t want the typical boring small talk.

 

A: I can totally relate to this situation. I got into something similar at one point and what really made me see this guy as something different was that he was pretty much the only guy NOT making everything about sex. He was genuinely interested in my life, my goals, my background, etc. If she’s comfortable giving out personal information maybe send her flowers or something, just a nice gesture to show that you’re not just interested in fucking her. Ask her about what she wants for her future, show a genuine interest in her interests. Now, if she is only interested in something sexual, then those things might scare her away. But there’s really only one way to be sure if this is worth pursuing and that’s just going for it. That’s what worked for me, and we wound up meeting up and having an amazing time together and stayed in touch for  months before he wound up being a total douche. Don’t be a douche.

 

Q: So a lot of people around my area want just relationships. I don’t mind that but I’m picky AF. Plus I’m in college and just want to have fun and I mean who doesn’t love sex? But everyone I meet seems to want to talk for 3 months and then date for another 3 before they even do anything sexual. Not sure if it’s me but any ideas on what I can do to fix this situation?

A: Okay, what the hell prude ass college do you go to??? When I was in college hooking up was the word! Honestly if we’ve gone out on 3 dates and you haven’t attempted to put your dick in me I’m not even interested. Get on tinder. I know, I know, but seriously. College is the exact time you should be having fun and not being serious about anything relationship wise. I’ve always said, being in a relationship in college is a lot like leaving a party at 9:30—you’re outta the game before it even gets good! Tinder is a great resource for finding other people who just want to have fun and have no expectations. Another good tip is go for someone older. People in their mid to late 20s are less likely to play those games and be down for just a good time, and if they’re not they’ll tell you so. And college aged ladies, if you’re reading this, dump your boyfriends and have a hoe phase, it builds character.

 

Q: How can I tell if a girl is playing me?

A: Well, if she’s any good at it, you can’t. But here are some tell-tale signs. She still has her tinder or bumble app on her phone, she keeps her phone close to her chest when she answers it, and her snap/IG DMs are poppin off at all times (unless she’s a memer or something). Another way is that when texts pop up on her phone other guys have suggestive emojis next to their names. I only have emojis next to my 2 best friends’ names and on the off-chance I were to actually have a boyfriend I’d probably put one after his. Another way to tell is if she is purposely vague with details when she tells you what she’s doing. Pay attention when she omits details, and watch the way she introduces you to her friends and the way they react to meeting you. Also look at her social media and see who she is commenting on or tagging in things. I legitimately figured out a guy was playing me all because of comments and tagged things on instagram. Personally, I just ask someone if they’re talking to/sleeping with anyone else. If you have a suspicion, it’s better to just get it out-of-the-way and ask instead of acting like a crazy stalker and then potentially being wrong.

 

Thank you for your questions guys! I have some more in my DMs and emails and I’ll answer even more of them next week so keep them coming! Ask me anything, sex questions, dating , whatever you can think of! Until next week y’all.

Xoxo,

Meredith

Michael

You know how you have that checklist for your ideal man? After dating for 15 years, I’ve gotten pretty specific in what I’m looking for. And I consider myself lucky if the guy on the other side of the table checks off any of these boxes, let alone most of them.

Until Michael.

I met Michael on Bumble, and before I ever even spoke to him I was extremely interested. His profile revealed that he was a good looking, thirtysomething entrepreneur who had traveled the world and decided to settle down in Southern California and find someone real.

Well I’m fucking real, Michael. Sign me up.

I messaged Michael and we chatted a little back and forth before we exchanged numbers. The text conversation was easy, and once the conversation got going, those boxes on my list continued to be checked off one by one.

He was a millionaire who owned his own island. He was attractive, funny, and adventurous. And he wanted a woman to take care of and enjoy his retirement with.

At age 37? I could think of a few things to keep Michael busy in his retirement. I’m not a gold digger, but every woman likes a successful man.

Michael invited me out to a nice restaurant and I was beyond excited to meet him. I recognized him immediately—tall with a warm smile and all of the gentlemanly manners I’ve come to love from growing up in the South.

Dinner was amazing. The conversation flowed perfectly and we laughed the whole time. I told him about my Instagram “fame,” and he loved it, and thought I had potential to do big things. More boxes checked off.

Once dinner was over, he took me home and walked me to my door, kissed me on the cheek, and said he’d love to see me again soon.

We scheduled another date a couple of nights later for a few drinks, had the same great conversation and banter as the first night, and at the end of the night we kissed. I felt like this was something real, like I could see myself with this guy for a long time.

I went over to his an incredibly nice condo (as was expected) that weekend and we had a great night just enjoying each other’s company.

Then, finally, we had sex. So cliché, waiting until the third date, but I thought maybe that’s how it was supposed to be? The sex was good, nothing over the top exciting to write home about, but it was good. We both had fun and felt comfortable with each other.

That night, Michael gave me a “just because” gift. Not flowers or something he saw in the check-out line at Whole Foods that he thought I’d like—an Alexander McQueen bracelet. Holy shit! It was beautiful and clearly expensive, and I was totally surprised. I loved it.

Michael and I continued to see each other for a couple of weeks, and I noticed that when I wasn’t with him, I really didn’t miss him. I thought: Maybe that’s how a healthy relationship is supposed to be. One in which I’m not obsessing over what he’s doing or who he’s with. I felt comfortable and knew that I’d hear from him at some point that day and there was no need to wonder if he still liked me or not. Maybe this was what normal dating is supposed to be.

Or maybe something was off.

One night he invited me out to dinner somewhere really nice, and I decided to dress to kill. The top buttoned all the way to my neck, but I made sure to leave an extra button undone just to show off a little for him. He complimented the way I looked when he picked me up, kissed me, and we were off to the restaurant. While at the table, mid-conversation, Michael did something that left me almost speechless: he reached across the table and buttoned my top.

He buttoned my fucking top.

I was so shocked I couldn’t even say anything and just carried on conversation as normal. I literally had no idea what to even say. Who the hell do you think you are? I’m a 32-year-old woman with a great rack, I can display my cleavage if I so choose!

His gesture was stuck in my head the entire night, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. We went back to his condo, and I tried to let it go, but I couldn’t. I stayed the night and left early the next day. I agreed to see him one more time. I thought, “It’s not a big deal, but if it happens again, say something.”

Was it wrong that I wanted to check off the box of him appreciating my body?

We decided to spend the day at his place hanging out, lounging around. After we did watched a movie and had sex a couple times, he said he needed a few things from Whole Foods. So, like a real basic LA couple, we headed for the Whole Foods on Santa Monica. Halfway through shopping, Michael realized he needed more than a few things and grabbed a cart. I helped him grocery shop, and I decided to snag a bottle of water and a soup to go.

As I helped Michael load his cart full of groceries onto the conveyor belt, I placed my soup and water at the end of his purchase. As the cashier began ringing his items, Michael put the plastic divider between his things and my water and soup.

No fucking way, bro!

I have $15. I don’t care. I can buy my own soup and water but also, what the fuck, man? We just grocery shopped like the goddamn basic LA couple that does the fucking crossword in bed on Sundays and goes to game night with our boring couple friends, and you can’t throw my fucking soup and water in with your over $200 worth of stuff, Michael? You refuse to let me pay for anything when we go out to dinner and drinks but a bottle of water and soup is where you draw the line?

What the fuck?

I decided to slowly end things after that. I declined his next couple offers to go out, and he told me he understood and that there were no hard feelings. And that was that. But after a few days, he texted me asking for the bracelet back, which left me with a moral dilemma: When you give a gift, isn’t that the point—that it’s a gift?

Bad gift giver: check.

Either way, I’m not one to stand on principal, and I said that I was happy to return it. I asked if I should send it to him or let him know when I was home that day to stop by. But I certainly wasn’t going to go out of my way for this bullshit. And after I forgot to text him later that day, he messaged me the following morning saying he would be around if I was going to be home to stop by. Unfortunately, I hadn’t stopped my life so Michael could get my gift back, and I was busy and didn’t respond.

The next day he messaged again about the bracelet and I finally responded that I’d get it to him ASAP since it was clearly such an issue to him. I’d just been incredibly busy and not around. But we missed each other a few more times, and then shit got real:

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Sad? Who are you Donald Trump? Damn dude. First of all, it was a fucking gift. Second, we’d agreed things were over and I’d been busy for the last 5 days. Thirdly, chill the fuck out!

I laughed it off and realized that I got out of this relationship before things got worse. Because Michael clearly has issues. I had a good laugh about the guy and what an asshole he was with my friends and moved on.

After Michael was tequila’d out of my system, I headed straight back on Bumble and went on with my life. Michael didn’t get to waste another minute of my time.

But you know what they say about 37-year-old retired guys with small dicks—they always come back for the last word. And about 3 weeks later this text message came through:

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Hoe Tip: If you accept an expensive gift from a man, you have to know he’s trying to control you with his money.

I looked back at my entire interaction with Michael, and I realized how he controlled and influenced every part of the situation with his financial status. He wanted a woman to sit there and be pretty and belong to him. Chances are that up until he met me he’d been pretty successful at it. I felt stupid in hindsight for being so preoccupied with checking off my boxes that I failed to see the warning signs.

It’s easy to think you’re having a great time when the backdrop is somewhere nice. Fuck that. I need a man who checks of the box of respecting me as an independent woman.

And remember, gents: sometimes a cup of soup means more than an expensive piece of jewelry.