Ask Meredith!

Here’s this week’s Q&A!

 

Q: I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple of months now and I would say it’s getting to the point where it is serious, and because of certain hints dropped in conversation I’m beginning to worry that we don’t see eye to eye on important subjects. How does one broach the hot button issues that would absolutely be an issue? Is it best to just rip off the band-aid and ask, or wait until their opinions fully surface through natural conversation?

A: Take it from me, the last thing you want to do is be a couple of years down the road and more emotionally invested and then realize something is a total deal breaker. Rip off the band-aid. And be prepared to hear things you don’t want to hear. And be open to compromise on things as well. But be clear about your position and be respectful if she disagrees. It may suck to have to end something prematurely, but not as badly as ending a long-term relationship.

 

Q:  I have several issues that I’m having trouble resolving.
1. My wife left me because she admitted she didn’t love me. This has shattered my confidence.
2. I’m not an attractive man, looks wise, as hard as I try to be. I do what I can with what I have.
3. I suffer from severe approach anxiety where I have panic attacks if I try to go up to a girl I’m interested in and talk to her.
I feel like this is a formula for being single for life and I’m only 34. I don’t know what to do.

A: First I’m really sorry to hear about that. It’s always hard when someone we love leaves us, and we’re often left with major feelings of inadequacy. I know, I’ve been there. Work on that positive self talk. What are you good at? What areas of your life do you excel in? Channel that into other areas of your life. And also really stop and decide if you’re ready to date right now. It’s OKAY to take some time to yourself not to date and to work on yourself personally. When you’re ready to get back out there, keep it simple. Less is more when approaching a woman, give a small compliment and ask how she’s doing. Something I’ve learned over the years about confidence is sometimes you just have to fake it until it feels genuine. Good luck!

 

Q:  Hi Meredith! So, I just started seeing this guy. We’ll call him Q. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month and a half now. Nothing crazy, but this is the point in the “relationship” where I’m ready to know wtf is going on between us so I know if I’m wasting time or not. That being said, Q has mentioned before that he believes we’re “exclusive” but then a day later made a comment about how we’re just friends. He’s constantly making plans for us for when we’re both off work as if we’re dating, so I would like to believe that we are more than just FWB, especially because we don’t always have sex when we stay with each other. We’ve obviously had somewhat of the “what are we” convo, but there wasn’t any clarification from him. Should I try to have the conversation again and try to get a better understanding or should I just give up and stop letting him give me the run around?

A: I think it would be worth having the conversation again. If you’re becoming emotionally invested and he has alluded to being “exclusive” then you’re entitled to know where you’re going romantically. If he continues to give you the run around it would probably be best to cut things off for your sanity. I’ve been in a “relationship” like that and it ended with him getting a girlfriend behind my back and leaving me heartbroken. It’s unfair to string anyone along emotionally. Be direct in your questions so that he can’t skirt around the answer.

 

Q: Do guys ever turn you down? And if so, how do you handle it? I’m new to the dating game after getting out of a 7 year relationship and I’m really nervous about putting myself out there and potentially getting turned down. Any advice?

A: First of all, having a positive attitude is where it’s at! Don’t go in with the mentality that you might get turned down. Because guess what? You will. People can sense negativity and will gravitate away from it. Secondly, we all get turned down. You can’t take it personally. Everyone has their own personal preferences and we are all unattractive to someone. As someone with a background in sales I can tell you that with every no you become closer to a yes. It’s a numbers game. So brush it off and move on to the next one. Don’t let it shake your confidence! Take time to be confident in being alone as well, don’t lapse into a codependent behavior by jumping into another relationship right away.

 

Q: My boyfriend has recently been hinting at wanting to have a threesome with another woman, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it. I’ve never had one before or ever been with a girl, so I’m kind of nervous about that part. I really but I kind of feel like this is a way of him telling me that I’m not satisfying him in the bedroom. Should I be worried? Or should I relax and do it for him?

A: Talk to him. Express your concerns.  Communication is so important when it comes to anything in a relationship, especially when it comes to sexual exploration. There are a lot of variables here. How has your sex life been otherwise? Are there any other issues in the relationship? If things are going well and he is suggesting this, maybe he is just wanting to live out a fantasy. I know plenty of couples who have incorporated threesomes into their relationships and it’s enhanced their sex lives. That said I know plenty where it’s gone the other direction. If you voice your concerns and he is reassuring and understanding then I would take some more time to think about whether or not you really want to do it. If he is defensive at all, that’s a red flag. At the end of the day, your sex life is YOUR choice, and you do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing, no matter the reason.

 

That’s all for this week y’all, keep your questions coming! Fill out the contact submission form or email me at meredith@meredithactually.com!

Xoxo,

Meredith

Jeff

Not all men teach us a lesson when they’re done with us. Some are just fun for a while and then we move on with a few fond memories and another story to tell. Some teach us about ourselves, some teach us about trust and honesty, and some teach us about sex. But then there are those that so many women meet that teach us something much scarier. They teach us about trusting our instincts and about the danger of overly charming men. They teach us to question ourselves, to second guess every action, and to protect our sexual freedom. I went over 30 years of my life without ever encountering one of these men, until I met Jeff.

Jeff pursued me on instagram after following me and liking my posts for months. He was cute, light brown hair and dark eyes, a few years younger than I was but talked like a man who knew what he was doing. He lived in Aguora Hills or Thousand Oaks or somewhere way up in the valley that I was too lazy to drive to, so I didn’t really know if we’d ever wind up meeting. I liked talking to Jeff; we would talk about the thirsty guys in the comments on my instagram posts, my hilarious date stories, his date stories, and everything in between. We developed a comfortable and flirtatious friendship via text message, which I resisted even engaging in for at least a couple of weeks. It’s not so much that I play hard to get, but I’m a naturally guarded person and when I start to develop some sort of friendship (or more) with someone I truly take my time in making sure I want to give them access to my life. I like to think I’m a good judge of character, but when a guy is as charming and attractive as Jeff was, even I let my guard down.

After a month or so of talking and flirting, I finally agreed to hang out with Jeff. I very rarely would allow a man I’d never met to come to my place, but I felt comfortable with him and I have a taser. We’d had conversations about how men who message me are always expecting something, and I even told him about a time when a guy I met up with got a little too handsy and he acted appalled that someone would behave that way. He seemed to understand where I was coming from, even talked about how he had sisters and how he was very protective of them. I felt comfortable inviting him over because I thought I knew him at this point. I mean, come on, a guy with sisters he’s close to should be pretty safe, right? I was very clear with Jeff that even though I was letting him come over I was not guaranteeing anything physical with him and not to expect sex or anything. I know what kind of image I put out there, and as much as I love sex, I also still feel the need to make it clear that I don’t owe anyone sex. No one does. He said he understood and he was looking forward to getting to know me.

Yeah, sure he was.

Jeff showed up and was hotter in person. At least a foot taller than I was, a gorgeous smile and a typical southern California boy tan. He greeted me with a hug and I poured us each a glass of wine and we talked for a few minutes in my kitchen. He was so cute. I liked the way he looked at me and the way he smirked when he talked. I was still in the process of moving into my place so my living and dining area was completely empty, no furniture yet, and my roommate was asleep so I suggested that we hang out in my bedroom, the only room with furniture at the moment. He sat on the end of my bed and I walked around it and sat on the far corner of it from him. We sipped our wine, talked and joked for a little while and I was genuinely having a good time. That

didn’t last long though. We talked for maybe 5 minutes more before Jeff lunged forward and his tongue was down my throat. It kind of blindsided me and I pulled back and asked him to slow down. I’d never really experienced this before. Why wasn’t I into this? He was hot, I liked him, but for some reason I was suddenly uneasy and turned off. He slowed down and kissed me more gently then we started talking again…for a little while. I barely made it through one glass of wine before he was all over me, on top of me. I did not want this. I resisted for a bit, asking him to stop and slow down a couple of times before I just kind of said whatever and began unenthusiastically kissing him back. Why did I give in? I have never had a problem pulling away or not kissing back when I wasn’t interested. So why did I just let him kiss me? I wasn’t enjoying any of this. I’m always the first woman to tell others that you can say no, that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But here I was just giving in. I guess I felt like I owed him for driving all the way to Culver City to see me, or something. Maybe I felt obligated to at least kiss him because after all, I’d flirted with him, I’d invited him over. Everything in me knows that I did not owe him even the privilege of touching me, but for whatever reason, whatever deep, ingrained insecurity about feeling obligated to a man I apparently had, I passively kissed back. Maybe I thought that if I started kissing back I would begin to enjoy it and it would be okay. Maybe I thought he would be less aggressive if he knew I was into it. Or the thought I’m most ashamed of having: maybe he would like me more.

Things progressed to where Jeff was aggressively taking off my clothes. His hands seemed to be everywhere, and before I knew it I was completely naked, vulnerable, and he slipped his fingers inside of me. Too rough. Now, I’m not a prude or some kind of pussy, and I enjoy some moderately rough sex, but I didn’t enjoy this. Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone involved. I was not having fun. He then grabbed me by the hair with one hand and pulled me onto all fours. He slapped my ass so hard it made my eyes water as he pulled his dick out and basically shoved it in my mouth. I jerked my head back and told him to stop and that he was being too rough. He laughed, called me a slut, and said he knew I liked it.

But I didn’t like it. I didn’t want this.

I tried to pull back a few more times and told him to stop again. But he wasn’t stopping. He never let go of my hair and continued to slap my ass and sometimes my face, much harder than I ever wanted. I wanted to stop. I said stop. But he was twice my size and I thought if I just let him finish then it’ll be over. So I just let him fuck my face until he was done. I just wanted it to be over.

When Jeff finished he laughed, tossed my clothes at me, pulled his pants back on and said “I’m getting outta here.” I was shaking. I had never felt this way in my life. A combination of scared, angry, traumatized, and violated. I felt out of my body. You know when you have a dream that you’re throwing a punch or something but you’re moving in slow motion? I don’t even know how I got from naked, on my bed, to dressed and right in front of him, but it was as if my body finally allowed me to react, to fight back, and I felt my face get hot and I tried to slap him. He blocked my swing, and then acted like I was the crazy one and actually told me I should never hit someone. Like are you fucking kidding me?? You just basically raped my face bro, and you have

the audacity to tell me not to take a swing at you? Get the fuck out of here.

I told Jeff to get out and never to contact me again. I blocked him on everything, but not before sending him a lengthy text message letting him know that what he did to me was sexual assault and that I told him to stop. I don’t know if he even gives a shit or ever thinks about it. I’m sure I’m not the only girl he’s done something similar to, and he probably doesn’t think he’s ever done anything wrong. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next night too. My scalp was sore from how hard he pulled my hair and my ass was slightly bruised from how hard he slapped it. Everything hurt.

As time went by after my night with Jeff I started to think, was it my fault? I invited him over, I continued to kiss him, and ultimately I stopped fighting back. So did I have it coming? Did I deserve what happened because of our flirtatious conversations or the way I present myself sexually? Am I to blame for what happened? We are taught as little girls that when a boy is mean to you, pulls your hair on the playground, that means he likes you and that we should be flattered. When that boy pushes you down and kisses you, you are supposed to be thrilled. I never thought about the absurdity of that until I thought about the fact that I kissed Jeff back even though I didn’t want to. We literally teach little girls that abuse is a sign of affection. How fucking insane is that? As a 32-year-old woman with sexual confidence and a good head on her shoulders, that way of thinking was still in my head. I don’t have a daughter, and I doubt if I ever will, but if I do I will never EVER allow her to believe or accept that bullshit.

Hoe tip: Hoes can say no, too.

I have always been a woman who advocates for other women. I firmly believe that your sexuality does not make you any more or less of a person. No one should ever be made to feel ashamed of enjoying sex. Just because I enjoy sex does not mean I owe it to every guy who wants it. I should not have to hide who I am. I do not owe anyone anything. This is my body and I can do whatever I want with it. I deserve just as much respect as anyone else does, sex is my choice. It should have been my choice that night with Jeff, but he took that choice away from me.

I never heard from Jeff again and I don’t really think about him much or what he did to me. But what I do think about is how unfair it is that I spent so much time thinking I deserved what happened. I asked him to stop. I didn’t want to perform oral sex on him. I didn’t want to be slapped so hard I had marks on my ass for days. I didn’t want my hair pulled so hard my scalp was sore the next day. And I certainly did not deserve to get my face fucked when I told him to stop. I enjoy sex. I enjoy rough sex sometimes too. But on my terms, and with my consent. As women, we shouldn’t have to hide our sexuality or feel like we owe a man sex for any reason other than because we want to have sex with him. And in that same way, men shouldn’t feel that they owe a woman sex for any other reason either. Sex isn’t a form of currency. It should be fun for everyone involved. And after that night with Jeff, I promised myself that I’d never let anyone make me feel differently.

According to U.S. Rape Response Services, one in five women have been the victim of attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. One in two women have experienced or will experience some form of sexual violence other than rape in their lifetime. I’m part of that statistic now. Think about your friends, your family. Your best friends, your sisters, cousins, aunts. Not one single one of them deserved it. Sex is a choice, and everyone has the right to say no. I never reported Jeff to the police. I felt like it would just victimize me all over again, and at the end of the day it was a he-said she-said and likely nothing would happen. I knew I would be blamed for it and that he would argue that it was consensual. So many women never report their sexual assaults for the same reason. They get dragged through the mud and made to feel that they are to blame. I don’t know if that’s going to change, but I sure hope it does. Instead of teaching women they should censor themselves and be less sexual beings, how about we teach men to respect consent? While we’re out here being diligent and teaching women how to prevent rape, how about we spend time teaching men just not to rape?

I hope you read this, Jeff, and I hope you realize what you did and hope that next time a woman asks you to stop, you fucking listen.

*Name and locations have been changed for privacy reasons as no formal charges were filed*

Ask Meredith!

Here’s this week’s Q&A!

 

Q: I’ve been married for a fucking long time now. In fact, next summer is our 15th anniversary, 13 of which we’ve been legally obliged to one another. Kids n’ all. Don’t know if it was the youths insecurity or what, but I’ve tried it all with my hubby. Every position, every mainstream kinky stuff and some of the hardcore stuff.
From the beginning he was very keen to have butt sex and tried we did. After two weeks of dating that was and guess it was such a superior ass that he insisted on having more. And more. And more.
….And more. After fifteen years, he still fantasies, and proposes anal. And I give it to him plenty. Almost weekly. It’s always somewhat pleasurable for me also but man, I wish I could fuck a guy who is all about pussy. I go down on him regularly, few times a week, he rarely returns the favor. I’d ride him with vag-massage ’till dawn and he talks dirty, butt talk, how much he likes my ass and would like to nut in it. Usually I take my pleasure and let him have his in my ass.
I exercise and am super tight inside. Had some insecurities in that department once so got a regime and now I can pretty much suck and massage with my vajayjay. He enjoys it alright, but it’s always second best. He just prefers anal.
Tried to talk it out with him but am now fantasising of a real pussy eater, who’d fuck me senseless and enjoy it for what it is, and not expecting anal at the end.
Should I try and get some or stay faithful to my butt-fixated man?

A: Kudos to you for still being adventurous after being together for so long! This is a tough call because it’s great that you still have a very active sex life and I think many couples who have been together for as long as you have can’t say the same. I think another conversation is warranted. I do not advocate cheating on your partner. But he needs to understand that he is not fulfilling your needs sexually and that these are your fantasies. I don’t like to use sex as a bargaining chip, but maybe be less accommodating. Show him the same courtesy that he is showing you and perhaps he’ll start to get it. Keep the lines of communication open and be clear to him about what you want. Good luck!

 

Q: Hi. I really think im undersized because I have a skinny dick. It’s maybe 7 inches but its like two fingers thick only. Girls keep telling me its big enough when I’m asking and they seem to enjoy it, but it still kinda bothers me that the internet said it’s thin. Idk only one girl I stay close with said if I’m feeling uncomfortable I should thicken up my dick with a surgery.. what should I do?

A: We all have things we’re self-conscious about physically speaking. I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m not really sure I’d trust some dick surgery for that. If you’re having good sex and girls are enjoying it, then don’t worry. Men with all different penis sizes are able to please women in a variety of ways, be adventurous. Also, if you haven’t already, learn to eat pussy. 7 inches is above average, length-wise by the way.

 

Q:  So my one roommate habitually cheats on his gf, and turned her against me and my other roommate (there’s 3 of us). She’s super hot, super nice, and doesn’t deserve it. What should we do? We can’t tell her b/c we have to live with the guy, but at the same time he’s turned her against us (assumably to protect himself incase we tell her). Things have gotten so bad none of us will be home when they are there (he’s a real fuck). What would you do?

A: Roommate situations like that are never easy. As shitty as it is, it’s not really your business to tell her or to get involved in their relationship. If she was your friend separately from him, that would be one thing, but unfortunately if you’re just a bystander it’s probably best to stay out of it. Things like that have a way of working themselves out, he’s going to get caught at some point.  As far as your living situation goes, it’s your home too. Act like they’re not even there and go about your business. And if the tension continues be clear with your roommate that what he’s doing is shitty and that it’s not cool to make being at home uncomfortable for you two since you are paying rent too. I hope your lease is up soon and you can move on from living with the guy though, he sounds like a douche.

 

Q: I’m having a difficult time with leaving emotions at the door when it comes to sex? Whats your best advice for removing the emotions from sex when it’s all someone knows? That may be tough to answer but I’ve been through enough BS and heartbreak that I’m tired of the toll it takes on me emotionally. I’m in uncharted waters, please help.

A: Making the conscious decision not to get feelings involved in a sexual relationship is a lot more difficult for some people than others. If you’ve always had an emotional connection to the person you’re having sex with, it will be difficult to have sex with someone who is just a casual parter with no strings. I’m not one that struggles with that, so my advice may be easier said than done, but try to separate the act of sex from dating and relationships. Seek out sexual partners that are open to casual sex and not interested in a romantic relationship. Be clear up front about those kinds of expectations and then you’re less likely to get too involved and hurt.

 

Q: What are some tips for going down on a girl?

A: Every woman is different in what they like and how they are shaped in the vag area. So it’s very important to be attentive and intuitive. Teasing the inner thighs and very lightly across the lips is a great way to build up the anticipation and turn a woman on immensely. Pay attention to how she responds to certain kinds of touch and in what areas. Find the clitoris. *A little louder for the people in the back* FIND THE CLITORIS. That’s how you’re gonna make her cum from oral. Don’t get too aggressive on it right out the gates, personally I prefer lighter touch as I’m very sensitive. Starting out lighter and slower is a good way to gauge what she likes, increasing in intensity to her liking. Pay attention to her breathing and physical responses and listen to her. Also, use your fingers internally to massage the g spot. This combo is like dynamite. Use a combination of licking and sucking on the clit as well, and when she cums don’t stop until she tells you to.

 

That’s all for today, send me your questions via the contact page here or via email at meredith@meredithactually.com!

 

Xoxo,

Meredith

The Lawyer

I met the lawyer on Bumble last year about a month or two before I moved to Los Angeles. I think maybe his name was Ryan. Or Mark. Or James. Okay I don’t have any idea what his name was, but I remember that he was some fancy criminal defense attorney who clearly had tons of money he enjoyed spending on women. He was attractive, but probably not a guy I’d really notice out in a bar. Very standard white male, average height, average build, dark hair and eyes, a nice smile and looked very much like your basic 35-year-old attorney guy. We didn’t have a whole lot of conversation before we agreed to meet up, and I knew I was moving away from Austin soon so I really wasn’t too concerned with him being Mr. Right…but a Mr. Right Now who wanted to take me on a date, well I was down for that.

The lawyer suggested we meet at Perla’s, one of my favorite spots in Austin. When I got there, he was already sitting at the bar wearing a perfectly tailored suit that looked expensive. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and said he’d ordered a bottle of rose’. I liked his style already. Perla’s is known for their oysters, so we ordered a couple dozen and enjoyed the each other’s company for a couple of hours. The lawyer told me about how he splits his time between Austin, New York City, and Los Angeles and that he really just likes to have a few pretty girls in each city to spend what little down time he has with. Nice dinners, fancy parties, and no strings attached.

Sign. Me. Up.

After we finished the bottle of rose’ and our oysters, the lawyer suggested we go get drinks at Hotel St. Cecilia, a fancy boutique hotel where celebrities and hip wealthy people stay just off South Congress. He was a member there and had his personal suite he stays in whenever he was in town. I agreed to go, and it was within walking distance of Perla’s so we walked over that way, hand in hand. Our conversation stayed very light, basic flirtation, he told me about traveling and being a high-priced attorney, I told him about my plans to move to LA. He was the perfect amount of asshole. Like I knew he probably didn’t give a fuck about my life story, but he was interested enough in what I did for a living or what my professional aspirations were. We had drinks sent to his room and he showed me pictures and things from his most recent vacation in Thailand.

Once the drinks were gone we began making out (as one does), and things went from there. There was really nothing remarkable about the sex. He went down on me, put on a condom, and then we had pretty basic sex. A little missionary, then doggy, then he came. It was fairly quick and size wise he was pretty average. The sex seemed efficient though, which honestly made sense to me considering his lifestyle. Everything was done with purpose and efficiency with this guy. I imagine a long-term sexual relationship with him would have been really boring, but hey at least I came.

After we had sex, I got the feeling that he wasn’t the “hang out and fuck again later” type. Like he preferred to sleep alone sort of guy, which was fine with me because it was a Thursday night and only about 10pm at this point so I could still meet up with friends who were out for the night. I began to get dressed, and as I mentioned I was going to meet up with some friends he called a car for me to take me all of one mile to meet them. I certainly didn’t mind that. I went into the bathroom to make sure I didn’t look like I’d just gotten fucked, and when I came out the car was there. He walked me out and told me he was going to be traveling for the next couple weeks but he’d let me know when he was back or to let him know when I was in LA. We kissed goodbye, I hopped into the car and reached into my purse to grab my phone. But what I grabbed instead was even better.

Next to my phone were 5 crisp $100 bills.

Did I just accidentally become an escort? Did that seriously just happen? Did I just get paid for sex? I couldn’t believe it. I texted him a simple “Saw my gift, thank you!” and his only response was “Of course, beautiful, be good.”

I seriously could not believe what had just happened. I texted my friend Sarah that she would not believe what just happened and when I told her the story she couldn’t stop laughing. We joked that he was my new sugar daddy and I offered to buy a few rounds of shots to celebrate the absurdness that is my life. We got to Green Light Social on west 6th, ordered a round of tequila shots and when we lifted the shot glasses to toast I said “thanks daddy” as we could barely stop laughing long enough to take the shots. All night long we loudly thanked “daddy” for the shots I bought with his money and Sarah told the story of the night to just about anyone within earshot.

The lawyer and I kept in touch for a little while, but our schedules just made it too difficult to meet again and slowly the communication stopped. I’m sure he’s got his LA girls already, but who knows, maybe one day we’ll meet again. I was never really the type to specifically go for men who would spoil me financially or be my sugar daddy or anything, but after my date with the lawyer, well let’s just say I’m definitely accepting sponsor applications.

Ask Meredith!

Here’s this week’s Q&A y’all!

Q:  So my best friend (nearly 20+ years) was cheating on his current girlfriend with someone I’ve been friends with for a long time. He breaks up with his gf and starts dating the chick he was cheating with. Obviously it doesn’t work out and he goes back to his girlfriend who takes him back (don’t ask). Well some time goes by and he accuses me of hooking up with the chick he was cheating on his girlfriend with. I tell him it never happened but he just doesn’t buy it and is convinced that I’m fucking the chick he was cheating on his gf with. Now he won’t talk to me, and is telling people that I’m a liar and that I’m hiding shit. I don’t know what to do. He refuses to listen to what I say and quite honestly is being a huge asshole. What should I do?

A: I know this guy is your friend, but he sounds like a douche. First of all, even if you were fucking that girl, who the hell cares? But secondly, there really isn’t a lot you can do when someone refuses to believe the truth. You can really only stick to your story and people who know and care about you will believe you. Your friend here has the classic guilty conscience thing going on: accusing others of bad behavior to make him feel better about is indiscretions. Unfortunately you’re just going to have to let him get over it and all you can do is stand by your actions (or lack thereof). Also get the girl to corroborate your story if nothing really happened. Other than that, you really can’t do much at this point.

 

Q:  I have been dating this girl for just under two years now. She is in the Navy. We got news in December of this past year that she will be getting deployed to go to Bahrain in June for one year. We have mutually decided that while she’s away, we are both allowed to do as we please for the most part (There are some boundaries that we have in place). So basically, we each have a one year ‘hall pass’ I suppose. I’ve told a few friends about our plans. Some support it and have a “if it works for you, go for it” type of attitude. And others are not so supportive and tell me that it will not work the way we envision it to work. What do you think? Are we nuts? Or f*** what other people who have a different set of morals?

A: I think  you guys are being realistic about being apart for that long. I do not believe that being monogamous and faithful in a situation like that works for most people. What usually happens is somebody cheats or you both wind up so frustrated and resentful that things aren’t the same in your relationship. Everyone has needs. If you two have agreed on some ground rules and things, I think you’re making the right decision for your relationship. Fuck what other people have to say, it’s YOUR relationship.
Q: Okay so I met this girl about a year and half ago. We hit it off really well and caught feelings really fast. She told me right away she was married and had a kid. I told her I didn’t mind it because supposedly her marriage was abusive, no more connection, and was about to go through a divorce. We continued to talk but then her lies started. One after another. I caught her on a date, she said they were talking about the divorce but later confessed about him moving back in. More lies happened and my dumbass continued to forgive her because I was so in love and have a big heart. This weekend I found out she’s pregnant and it’s not my child. It’s her “ex’s”. I have no idea what to do. I’ve invested so much into her and us and even her kid. She’s been through A LOT with me. How do I let her go if I’ve fallen so deep in love her?
A:  To be blunt, she’s been playing you. That SUCKS and I’m sorry to say, but yeah. She never intended to leave her husband, that’s kind of how that shit goes. I think it’s extremely fucked up of her to involve her child in her extra-marital relationship like that, and should  be a pretty good indication of how selfish of a person she appears to be. But I get it man, when you fall in love with someone you’re able to overlook a LOT. It sounds like you’re a good guy, you deserve someone who is going to be genuine with you and not string you along in the way she has. Cut off all contact with her. Block her #, delete it from your phone, and take some time to yourself. Being in a toxic relationship based on lies is way worse than being alone.

Q:  Why do they try and keep in touch?!? After getting out of a very fucked up relationship I started dating a guy who had been single for 5 years had not seen any girl more than a hand full of times. I mean I know what the hell was i thinking?!

We date for 5 months not official, I end it after he goes for drinks with a girl he went to school with and hasn’t seen in 10 years. Nothing happened so we carry on meeting up for the next 6/7 weeks. Then he tells me they are going cinema on Friday but it is a date. I am in his bed Friday morning kisses me goodbye says see you tomorrow and he gets with her Friday night. I know what a cunt….

He is still texting me?! Trying to make jokes and act how we would usually be while giving the standard man bullshit I genuinely cared about you, I never wanted to hurt you… oh well why did you talk this bitch for 90% of the time we were together behind my back and not admit how you felt!!!

I have now requested he never contact me again, he’s agreed but again with the despite what you may think I don’t regret our time together, you weren’t to past the time until she wanted me yadda yadda bullshit!!!! Swearing off them for life

A:  You’re not going to like what I have to say, but you need to hear it. He didn’t do anything wrong. By remaining “not official” you left the door open for him to date other people, and to be perfectly honest he seems like he was being pretty decent by being up front with you and telling you about it. That’s dating, girlfriend! Just because he is casually seeing other people doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, you were giving him exactly what he wanted, so why would he want to ruin things by making it “official?” If you don’t want a guy to sleep with or see other people, you have to have a DTR (define the relationship) conversation. Guys, that goes for women too! If I’m dating someone I’m going to do as I please with whomever I want until we mutually agree to boundaries in the relationship. It’s probably best that you don’t see this guy again because you are more emotionally invested than he is, but at the end of the day he really didn’t do anything wrong, you had some expectations about the nature of your relationship that you didn’t clearly communicate.
Q:  I’ve been seeing a guy for a year now, nothing serious, kinda just went with the flow. We are both always working so we’ll grab dinner or hangout whenever we have a chance. The catch is, we’ve had this going on for basically over a year and I not once saw myself really WITH him. Yet he stuck around till last month when I FINALLY decided to have sex with him. (Which was wild & I def regret making him wait but I wasn’t feeling it then & I was already fulfilling my needs else where) I’m not one to catch feelings easily but lately I feel like I might be getting attached. Part of me says it’s just the sex since none of these feelings were there before the sex but he’s also never been one to show any emotional attachment so I’m not sure what to do?! I mean I’m guessing the vibe is there since we both stuck around for this long without the sex but how do I ask him if we’re on the same page without it sounding like I’m asking for a title?
A:  Damn girl, he stuck around THAT long without getting any pussy?? He likes you. No guy stays interested for that long without getting sex unless he values the time he spends with you in some way. If you continue to see each other and sleep together, try increasing the amount of time you spend together and see how things go. And don’t be afraid to ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, you have the right to know if your sexual partner is fucking other people just from a health and safety standpoint. It’s hard for me to say how to ask him if he’s feeling the same way because I don’t know the way he acts around you or anything, but if he mirrors your actions then there is a good chance he is on the same page. Let him know you’re really enjoying spending time with him, and just go with the flow, then revisit the idea of where things are going in maybe a month or so.
That’s it for this week, but please keep sending your questions, I love hearing from you guys!! Visit the contact page to submit questions or email me at meredith@meredithactually.com
Xoxo,
Meredith

Chames

You ever see a guy so insanely attractive you don’t even know what to do with yourself? The kind of guy who is distracting to look at? The kind of guy who immediately has you under his spell, and you start to figure out ways to get him to go home with you at least just once so you can tell your friends about it. A guy who knows he looks like a Greek god and you have no problem with allowing to hit and quit it and never call you again.

Well, that was Chames.

I went out to The Abbey, a gay club in West Hollywood, on Christmas Eve with my friend Ashleigh. It’s one of my favorite places in LA, especially on Christmas Eve. It’s become our tradition to go to The Abbey and drink tequila and slide $1s into sexy male go-go dancers booty shorts. (Hoe hoe hoe, right?)


We walked into the appropriately festive club, couples hiding from their families, scantily clad men wearing Santa hats, and no shortage of attractive people. As we went to the bar to order a drink, this gorgeous, shirtless man took our order while giving me the sexiest smile I think I’ve ever seen. I swear he looked like a hot, bearded Aladdin with a thick French accent. It was almost dizzying to look at him. Ashleigh and I got our drinks and retreated to a spot towards the side of the dancer’s stage to admire the view and catch up. Ashleigh was in the process of moving to Los Angeles from Australia and splitting up with her fiance, so we had lots of catching up to do.  But it was difficult to pay attention to Ashleigh because each time I went back to get another drink, I’d notice sexy Aladdin run from the other end of the bar to take my order.

After playing this game for a few rounds, Sexy Aladdin altered his serving loop and took a holding pattern by the area where Ashleigh and I were standing. This seemed odd to me—this guy was beyond out of my league and there was no way he was actually looking at me of all people, but then Ash nudged me and said, “He’s totally checking you out!”

“No way,” I said. But when I looked back, I caught his eye again. Sure enough he was up-downing my leggings and tight sweater, smiling that sexy smile again. Holy shit. Sexy Aladdin was definitely checking me out.

I began to throw glances his way too, returning his smile, and finally it happened. He crossed the dance floor to me, leaned in, and whispered in my ear, “You have the most beautiful smile, I have to take you to dinner. I’m Chames.” It was like James, but with a shhh in front, like he didn’t want me to tell his secret. Cue the fucking waterfall in my panties. I gave Chames my phone number, and he texted me later that night that he couldn’t wait to see me.

Our first date was the next day, Christmas. We were both away from our families and didn’t have the chance to go home for the holidays, so it seemed like a perfect opportunity for a first date. Chames took me to a little sushi place, one of the few places open in West Hollywood, and we had a great time. He was funny and sweet, a total gentleman and incredibly well dressed. I swear he was in head to toe Balmain. He confessed was a model, because of course he was, and that he was originally from Nice, France with family in Morocco. He was into real estate and had plans to become some sort of international real estate mogul, which was a pleasant surprise from the usual ambitions of the typical LA “model” guy. After dinner we kissed goodbye, and he said he had to see me again soon, so we scheduled another date for later that week.

We went on a couple more dates—a late night drink at a little speakeasy near my place and dinner at this incredible pizza place in Sherman Oaks. This boy knew to take me to pizza within the first 3 dates? Um yeah, he was definitely coming in hot. Pizza and champagne are pretty sure-fire ways to get into my pants, and after that night, finally, he came home with me.

Just seeing him naked was enough to turn my panties into his personal Slip N Slide. Chames was the perfect mix of sensual and aggressive, kissing that felt romantic and soft, but with a firm handful of my hair to show me who’s boss. As turned on as his body made me he seemed to be obsessed with mine, which only made me that much more into him and ready to do just about anything he wanted to. And the French dirty talk. He could have been telling me I was ugly and he hoped I got hit by a bus, I literally would have had no idea, but it sounded so hot, and the orgasms kept coming (pun absolutely intended).

We continued seeing each other and having amazing sex for about a month. And when I say amazing, I mean hot, sweaty, multiple orgasms, and positions you pretty much only see in porn, fully utilizing the fact that an entire wall of my bedroom is mirrored. I mean, I took dance growing up and everything but I had no idea I was still that flexible. I noticed that he never went down on me, which, in my experience isn’t all that surprising with men like Chames. It’s like the hotter they are the less they feel they have to try to please you. Not that it ever stopped me from agreeing to sex with the guy. We soaked my bed nearly every time which only turned him on more. I literally had to change my sheets every time we had sex.

Hoe tip: never assume you’re not a squirter.

I thought I just wasn’t able to do it, but apparently if you get into the right position and have a guy bang you out just right (and a nice sized dick helps) you too can have to do laundry every fucking day. I’ll be real honest here: I can do without squirting ever again. It really did nothing to enhance my sexual experience and as someone who likes having clean sheets at all times, it really just annoyed me when it was all said and done. But Chames was allll about the squirting. I swear the things we do for hot guys…

After about a  month of exciting sex and what I thought was the beginning of what could possibly turn into a relationship, things began to fizzle out. The nice dates and sweet texts stopped, and the only times I would see Chames were when I went to The Abbey or when he’d come over and fuck my brains out, then leave. Seeing Chames became less frequent as our schedules were very opposite, and it became purely sexual. (Or maybe it had been sexual the whole time? Maybe he was simply playing the game well and I was too blinded by his beauty to care.) As with most things, I started to lose interest. Mostly because I don’t particularly enjoy just being a thing of convenience, but also because he didn’t eat pussy, and I don’t care how hot you are, you gotta eat pussy to remain on my roster.

I still hear from Chames from time to time, and I’m sure I’ll fuck him again at some point because it’s fun to have a hot French model bang you out every now and then. For now, I’ll see him at The Abbey and brag to anyone within earshot that I’ve hit that. Guys like Chames are so alluring and it’s fun bragging rights to say I’ve had sex with this guy who’s so hot most women would only dream of sleeping with him. Next time I don’t think I’ll delude myself into believing this would ever be more than just sex. Charm, hotness, and a French accent can make you believe all kinds of things, but at the end of the day a spade is a spade, and a fuckboy is a fuckboy.

Ask Meredith!

I’m back from a brief hiatus with Q&A!

Q: I’m not one to ask someone or even worry about this, but it does make me curious–does body count matter? I know people tend to make a big deal out of this, like actually having a certain number, but does it really even matter?

A: Short answer: NO. It is nobody’s business who you have slept with. If someone you’re dating asks you how many people you’ve had sex with, that’s a good sign they’re insecure. Your sexual past is your business and your business alone. As long as you are safe and everyone is a consenting adult, your body count really is completely irrelevant. One of my closest girlfriends has slept with maybe 8 people in her life, and she is 30. I lost count years ago. And you know what? We are BOTH worth just as much as women and deserve the same kind of respect from men. This goes for you too guys! How many girls you’ve banged is totally your business, and it doesn’t make you a better/worse person than anyone else. A great rule of thumb is just to never ask your partner’s body count. It’s rude and doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

 

Q: I just recently got into tinder and been talking (and sexting) with a few guys. Sexting has been really fun and all but I haven’t had the confidence to actually meet them. I have my flaws but I also think I’m pretty hot but…the thing is when I’m sexting I hide my flaws and highlight my assets. So I’m afraid when I totally expose myself when I meet them they would get disappointed you know, like us girls getting cockfished! And it doesn’t help that they’re super hot. I love that you’re honest and open about your appearance, I pretty much have your body (same height, big boobs, not fat not skinny) but I don’t have your confidence. In your experience, do guys care about that or it’s just in my head?

A: Oh girl. Body image and confidence is something that I (and I think most women–and a lot of men) struggle with all the time. We all take photos from our best angles to highlight our best assets, even people with the most “perfect” bodies do it. I am constantly picking myself apart in the mirror or afraid that a man won’t think I’m hot in person or whatever. I’ve struggled in the past with eating disorders and serious body dysmorphia, and people can be cruel (as I’ve learned since subjecting myself to criticism from strangers on the internet). When it comes to the men you’re sexting with, in my experience, they’re just amped to fuck you. Men like women of all different body types–I have guy friends who love skinny model-types, and guys I know who like a fuller figured woman, the preferences are all over the map. The best advice I can give is to be uninhibited in the bedroom and even if you’re not feeling the greatest about your body, go in there acting like you’re the hottest bitch on the block. Confidence is sexy, especially in the bedroom. A man would rather fuck a confident woman who is down to have some fun than a hot chick who’s insecure and boring in the bedroom. Let your guard down and have fun–the worst that happens is a guy doesn’t text you again afterward. Not the end of the world, there’s plenty more dick in the sea!

 

Q: So I’m fucking this guy who, in retrospect, is basically an abuser/rapist. And I pooped. I didn’t even feel it. Didn’t even hear a toot. You see the thing is that this particular human thinks it’s his claim to fame to make girls squirt. He has said to me he thinks he can make any girl do it. So he always says “push it out push it out” so I did. And I guess I pooped. He immediately gagged and ran to th bathroom. I didn’t even have a towel to offer. So I shut the door and screamed “bye forever because I can obviously never see you again!”

This guy is a straight up freak. Is it completely shame based if one day I try to hit him up for a bang again?

A: First of all, never fuck a guy who is truly an abuser or rapist. Ever. Like literally delete his # and all ways of contacting him and never ever allow him into your life ever again. Second of all, well, I’ve never shit during sex, but I mean yeah, bye FOREVER. Might consider changing your name and assuming a new identity. And never EVER hit that guy up again unless you just want to be humiliated. If you’re into humiliation (no judgement here, you do you), then that’s up to you, but personally I would never.

 

Q: So every girl I’ve ever been with enjoyed when I’d go down on them and express it vocally or by moaning. Recently I met and hooked up with a girl who just laid there and didn’t even make a noise when I was going down on here or during sex. I’m not the biggest but do you think that could be the problem?

A: There could be a few reasons for this. One, the women you’ve slept with might be insecure or not in touch with their bodies. There are a lot more women out there like this than you’d think. I’ve never been that type, so I don’t really get it, but I’ve heard this complaint before from men who aren’t lacking in the skills area. Another reason could be that you’re not doing it for them. Maybe you’re just inexperienced. I’m a firm believer that any man, regardless of dick size, can be taught how to please a woman in one way or another. A great way to learn is to ask you partner what she likes. Every woman is different. I don’t usually orgasm from penetration, so I prefer oral sex to warm me up. Some women are the opposite. Be inquisitive and find out what your partner likes. If she is unable to guide you or tell you what she likes, then the problem is likely that she is inexperienced or insecure herself. Good luck! If you have more specific sex technique questions, feel free to reach out!

 

Q: So for the past 3 years I have been enjoying the single life. Just having fun with some free meals along the way. It was great. About 5 months ago I went home with this guy I met at a bar and, while the sex was amazing, I figured I wasn’t going to see him again. He found me on social media, asked for my number and we were hanging out ever since. Now, I’m not the kind of girl to get attached and get caught up in feelings. Like I said, I have been enjoying the single life. So in the mist of seeing this guy, I decide to go out with someone else. To mix it up, if you will. We went to dinner and when he was taking me home he kissed me in the car. I was surprised at my reaction; I felt bad. I kept wondering, why does this not feel right? Why don’t I want to invite him inside? That’s when I realized feelings were there for this guy I had been seeing for 5 months. I let a couple of weeks go by while I wrestled with my feelings for this guy. Having these feelings is weird enough for me, but the thought of having the, “so what are we” conversation just didn’t sit well. But I knew that if I didn’t say anything and let even more time pass, these feelings would manifest. So I told him how I felt, that I wanted more and to see what this could actually be. To no surprise, he didn’t feel the same way. A relationship was just something he didn’t want right now. I told him that I understood but I had to end it. So my question is, is this what I get for having the mid set of a man? Going from the carefree, fun-loving dating lifestyle to suddenly being this girl that wants a relationship is quite a leap to make, and an uneasy one at that. Have you ever dealt with this? Any advice/ words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

A: I’ve been in a similar situation before, and it blows. Like there’s no sugar-coating that, it was very difficult to hear that the guy didn’t have feelings for me beyond what we were doing. That situation ending was just as painful and difficult as a breakup. In retrospect, I realized that I was allowing this guy to have his cake and eat it too. All the benefits and fun of a relationship without any of the responsibilities. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I know now not to allow myself to be in that kind of situation unless we are in mutual agreement. Don’t beat yourself up about it! It happens to men too. We can’t control our feelings, so don’t feel like you should be living your life in any particular way. It took me a little while to get over that type of heartache, but it was a great learning experience. Take time to think about exactly what you want, and what you feel you deserve, and don’t settle!

 

Keep your sex and dating questions coming y’all! I’ll be selecting 5 each week to answer here. I love feedback too! Is there something else you’d like featured on my blog? Fill out the contact submission form here or email me at meredith@meredithactually.com!

Xoxo,

Meredith