Jeff

Not all men teach us a lesson when they’re done with us. Some are just fun for a while and then we move on with a few fond memories and another story to tell. Some teach us about ourselves, some teach us about trust and honesty, and some teach us about sex. But then there are those that so many women meet that teach us something much scarier. They teach us about trusting our instincts and about the danger of overly charming men. They teach us to question ourselves, to second guess every action, and to protect our sexual freedom. I went over 30 years of my life without ever encountering one of these men, until I met Jeff.

Jeff pursued me on instagram after following me and liking my posts for months. He was cute, light brown hair and dark eyes, a few years younger than I was but talked like a man who knew what he was doing. He lived in Aguora Hills or Thousand Oaks or somewhere way up in the valley that I was too lazy to drive to, so I didn’t really know if we’d ever wind up meeting. I liked talking to Jeff; we would talk about the thirsty guys in the comments on my instagram posts, my hilarious date stories, his date stories, and everything in between. We developed a comfortable and flirtatious friendship via text message, which I resisted even engaging in for at least a couple of weeks. It’s not so much that I play hard to get, but I’m a naturally guarded person and when I start to develop some sort of friendship (or more) with someone I truly take my time in making sure I want to give them access to my life. I like to think I’m a good judge of character, but when a guy is as charming and attractive as Jeff was, even I let my guard down.

After a month or so of talking and flirting, I finally agreed to hang out with Jeff. I very rarely would allow a man I’d never met to come to my place, but I felt comfortable with him and I have a taser. We’d had conversations about how men who message me are always expecting something, and I even told him about a time when a guy I met up with got a little too handsy and he acted appalled that someone would behave that way. He seemed to understand where I was coming from, even talked about how he had sisters and how he was very protective of them. I felt comfortable inviting him over because I thought I knew him at this point. I mean, come on, a guy with sisters he’s close to should be pretty safe, right? I was very clear with Jeff that even though I was letting him come over I was not guaranteeing anything physical with him and not to expect sex or anything. I know what kind of image I put out there, and as much as I love sex, I also still feel the need to make it clear that I don’t owe anyone sex. No one does. He said he understood and he was looking forward to getting to know me.

Yeah, sure he was.

Jeff showed up and was hotter in person. At least a foot taller than I was, a gorgeous smile and a typical southern California boy tan. He greeted me with a hug and I poured us each a glass of wine and we talked for a few minutes in my kitchen. He was so cute. I liked the way he looked at me and the way he smirked when he talked. I was still in the process of moving into my place so my living and dining area was completely empty, no furniture yet, and my roommate was asleep so I suggested that we hang out in my bedroom, the only room with furniture at the moment. He sat on the end of my bed and I walked around it and sat on the far corner of it from him. We sipped our wine, talked and joked for a little while and I was genuinely having a good time. That

didn’t last long though. We talked for maybe 5 minutes more before Jeff lunged forward and his tongue was down my throat. It kind of blindsided me and I pulled back and asked him to slow down. I’d never really experienced this before. Why wasn’t I into this? He was hot, I liked him, but for some reason I was suddenly uneasy and turned off. He slowed down and kissed me more gently then we started talking again…for a little while. I barely made it through one glass of wine before he was all over me, on top of me. I did not want this. I resisted for a bit, asking him to stop and slow down a couple of times before I just kind of said whatever and began unenthusiastically kissing him back. Why did I give in? I have never had a problem pulling away or not kissing back when I wasn’t interested. So why did I just let him kiss me? I wasn’t enjoying any of this. I’m always the first woman to tell others that you can say no, that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But here I was just giving in. I guess I felt like I owed him for driving all the way to Culver City to see me, or something. Maybe I felt obligated to at least kiss him because after all, I’d flirted with him, I’d invited him over. Everything in me knows that I did not owe him even the privilege of touching me, but for whatever reason, whatever deep, ingrained insecurity about feeling obligated to a man I apparently had, I passively kissed back. Maybe I thought that if I started kissing back I would begin to enjoy it and it would be okay. Maybe I thought he would be less aggressive if he knew I was into it. Or the thought I’m most ashamed of having: maybe he would like me more.

Things progressed to where Jeff was aggressively taking off my clothes. His hands seemed to be everywhere, and before I knew it I was completely naked, vulnerable, and he slipped his fingers inside of me. Too rough. Now, I’m not a prude or some kind of pussy, and I enjoy some moderately rough sex, but I didn’t enjoy this. Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone involved. I was not having fun. He then grabbed me by the hair with one hand and pulled me onto all fours. He slapped my ass so hard it made my eyes water as he pulled his dick out and basically shoved it in my mouth. I jerked my head back and told him to stop and that he was being too rough. He laughed, called me a slut, and said he knew I liked it.

But I didn’t like it. I didn’t want this.

I tried to pull back a few more times and told him to stop again. But he wasn’t stopping. He never let go of my hair and continued to slap my ass and sometimes my face, much harder than I ever wanted. I wanted to stop. I said stop. But he was twice my size and I thought if I just let him finish then it’ll be over. So I just let him fuck my face until he was done. I just wanted it to be over.

When Jeff finished he laughed, tossed my clothes at me, pulled his pants back on and said “I’m getting outta here.” I was shaking. I had never felt this way in my life. A combination of scared, angry, traumatized, and violated. I felt out of my body. You know when you have a dream that you’re throwing a punch or something but you’re moving in slow motion? I don’t even know how I got from naked, on my bed, to dressed and right in front of him, but it was as if my body finally allowed me to react, to fight back, and I felt my face get hot and I tried to slap him. He blocked my swing, and then acted like I was the crazy one and actually told me I should never hit someone. Like are you fucking kidding me?? You just basically raped my face bro, and you have

the audacity to tell me not to take a swing at you? Get the fuck out of here.

I told Jeff to get out and never to contact me again. I blocked him on everything, but not before sending him a lengthy text message letting him know that what he did to me was sexual assault and that I told him to stop. I don’t know if he even gives a shit or ever thinks about it. I’m sure I’m not the only girl he’s done something similar to, and he probably doesn’t think he’s ever done anything wrong. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next night too. My scalp was sore from how hard he pulled my hair and my ass was slightly bruised from how hard he slapped it. Everything hurt.

As time went by after my night with Jeff I started to think, was it my fault? I invited him over, I continued to kiss him, and ultimately I stopped fighting back. So did I have it coming? Did I deserve what happened because of our flirtatious conversations or the way I present myself sexually? Am I to blame for what happened? We are taught as little girls that when a boy is mean to you, pulls your hair on the playground, that means he likes you and that we should be flattered. When that boy pushes you down and kisses you, you are supposed to be thrilled. I never thought about the absurdity of that until I thought about the fact that I kissed Jeff back even though I didn’t want to. We literally teach little girls that abuse is a sign of affection. How fucking insane is that? As a 32-year-old woman with sexual confidence and a good head on her shoulders, that way of thinking was still in my head. I don’t have a daughter, and I doubt if I ever will, but if I do I will never EVER allow her to believe or accept that bullshit.

Hoe tip: Hoes can say no, too.

I have always been a woman who advocates for other women. I firmly believe that your sexuality does not make you any more or less of a person. No one should ever be made to feel ashamed of enjoying sex. Just because I enjoy sex does not mean I owe it to every guy who wants it. I should not have to hide who I am. I do not owe anyone anything. This is my body and I can do whatever I want with it. I deserve just as much respect as anyone else does, sex is my choice. It should have been my choice that night with Jeff, but he took that choice away from me.

I never heard from Jeff again and I don’t really think about him much or what he did to me. But what I do think about is how unfair it is that I spent so much time thinking I deserved what happened. I asked him to stop. I didn’t want to perform oral sex on him. I didn’t want to be slapped so hard I had marks on my ass for days. I didn’t want my hair pulled so hard my scalp was sore the next day. And I certainly did not deserve to get my face fucked when I told him to stop. I enjoy sex. I enjoy rough sex sometimes too. But on my terms, and with my consent. As women, we shouldn’t have to hide our sexuality or feel like we owe a man sex for any reason other than because we want to have sex with him. And in that same way, men shouldn’t feel that they owe a woman sex for any other reason either. Sex isn’t a form of currency. It should be fun for everyone involved. And after that night with Jeff, I promised myself that I’d never let anyone make me feel differently.

According to U.S. Rape Response Services, one in five women have been the victim of attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. One in two women have experienced or will experience some form of sexual violence other than rape in their lifetime. I’m part of that statistic now. Think about your friends, your family. Your best friends, your sisters, cousins, aunts. Not one single one of them deserved it. Sex is a choice, and everyone has the right to say no. I never reported Jeff to the police. I felt like it would just victimize me all over again, and at the end of the day it was a he-said she-said and likely nothing would happen. I knew I would be blamed for it and that he would argue that it was consensual. So many women never report their sexual assaults for the same reason. They get dragged through the mud and made to feel that they are to blame. I don’t know if that’s going to change, but I sure hope it does. Instead of teaching women they should censor themselves and be less sexual beings, how about we teach men to respect consent? While we’re out here being diligent and teaching women how to prevent rape, how about we spend time teaching men just not to rape?

I hope you read this, Jeff, and I hope you realize what you did and hope that next time a woman asks you to stop, you fucking listen.

*Name and locations have been changed for privacy reasons as no formal charges were filed*

Author: meredithactually

Writer, joke teller, certified trainwreck, and craft beer aficionado from Austin, Texas residing in Los Angeles, California.

14 thoughts on “Jeff”

  1. I’m so sorry this happened to you Meredith. No one deserves to be in a position where their no isn’t respected. When you’re a vivacious attractive female who prides themselves on being sex positive, it can sometimes be perceived as being LITERALLY easy. Not in a slutshame way but in a lack of complexity way. There’s nothing less puzzling about who and why I choose to have sex than any other woman who doesn’t air her horniness out in the open. There’s no guarantee with me or with any person who enjoys sex that sex is built-in, its more complicated than that homies. A man shouldn’t take the absence of a “no” to imply yes.

    These stories need to be told. We all know a Jeff. Hold your head up girl. You still an all star hoe in my book.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Girl, I am so sorry that happened to you. What a jerk he was to you. It is very brave of you to write on such a personal and hurtful experience. It can happen to anyone no matter how careful we are. You’re 100% right about the need to teach men to be gentlemen again.
    Don’t let this horrible guy dull your sparkle or make you question yourself. You’re amazing. Keep being your strong, wonderful self!! 💗

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Herein is why castration should be a form of punishment in our judicial system. I say that as a Man, Son, Brother and most brokenheartedly – a Father. But let’s not make this about him. I applaud your bravery, Meredith. Finding your voice through this adversity (understatement) is undoubtedly what’s led to your perseverance, strength and wisdom. I sincerely pray that this experience never occurs for you or any of your loved ones again as no one deserves that. No, in EVERY language means NO. Last I checked, so does STOP.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Mate I dunno where to start with this. firstly, obviously, it’s horrific you’ve had to experience this and no matter how sexually positive and empowered/confident you are on instagram and social media, it’s not consent or makes what happened in any way, shape or form your fault.

    To use a English term Jeff sounds like a cockwomble. Or a bumblecunt – use whichever you prefer. He’s the sort of guy who does this to a woman and then tells the lads down the pub how he’s pulled a worldie, face fucked her after she was “well up for it” and then turned psycho when he had to leave. No second thought for the damage he’s caused or the last effect it has on the women – as sadly I don’t think you were his first victim – he assaults.

    Whether he’s just a total douche canoe or it’s how he’s been taught to treat women (parenting, society and/or mates) is up for debate but I agree with he sentiments of others who’ve commented – we need to teach guys to be gentlemen again.

    Don’t get me wrong I’ve got some stories in my back catalogue that would make a sailor blush but it’s always, always been respectful and, importantly, consentual.

    The idea that my son and daughter could be either side of this situation makes me sick/scared in equal measure so the only good that can come from it is to talk about it, let others know that this situation does happen and it’s not okay. Let people know you can say no and it’s not out of order. Let guys know to never expect to be owed sex.

    As I said when I started it’s awful you’ve had to endure this but don’t let it change how you are or who you are – mainly as I will have to hunt Jeff down and kill him if your boobs disappear from instagram and snapchat – as none of this is a reflection on you and if more women where as sexually positive/empowered people like Jeff wouldn’t be.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Meredith,
    It was tough to read this because it is an unfortunately common situation. I have personally felt that passive, “I guess I can do this” because I felt like I owed the guy something. And similarly to your situation, I was not comfortable, and the guy was saying really rude and mean things while it happened, but I just dealt with it because I felt if I had actually stood my ground, he would have attacked me or made things so much worse.

    I really appreciate you sharing this, and I totally agree, men should also be taught not to rape, and then blame shouldn’t be put on the woman/victim. It’s a tough topic, but we need strong women, like yourself, and strong men who are willing to make people see the need for this open discussion of rape.

    Love you lots and I love your positivity attitude.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I love reading your blog and Ask Meredith. I’m very sorry that this happened to you, or happens to anyone. I applaud your bravery for speaking about it and advocating for all of us women out there. You survived and are a stronger person for it and in no way was this your fault, which you know. Keep being the bright spirited gem that you are!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry that you had to go through this! Thank you for speaking up and being an advocate for others! I know writing this must have been extremely difficult but know that it is appreciated! All the best xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I love reading your blog and following your instagram. Its so fun and makes me laugh every time.

    Thank you for sharing this story.
    Too many women in my life have had a similar experience and been afraid to talk out of fear of being blamed or labelled.

    It is never your fault, or their fault, or anyone’s fault except for the perpetrator.
    Strong willed people like you with the courage to speak out and call it what it is (assualt) empowers others to do the same.

    Stay strong, and keep shining on you crazy diamond.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This was a very enlightening blog that everyone! Meredith I am so so sorry! I know exactly how you feel! I also did not report my rapest…. he was my boyfriend after all and we had already had sex before. I figured no one would believe me or he would just lie, since he did it so much. I was in high school when it happened… I felt like it was my fault also, but it’s not!!

    Just because some asshole guy thinks they “deserve it,” doesn’t mean they do! Took me a little bit of time to realize that. In the end, I’m a true believer in karma and when I found out a few years back that my ex-boyfriend was killed because his car fell on his head, I was not sad or happy, I just thought, karma mother-fucker!

    I can only imagine how many other girls (that’s what I was when we dated)/women he did that too. After I broke up with him, he was part of the reason I ended up in the hospital, he had no heart about any of it. In fact, he told my best friend in front of a crowd of people how he thought it was funny I was in the hospital, & that he cheated on me, not with 3 girls, but 7!! She punched him 😂 Ha ha!

    Bottom line, you are 100% right! I’m glad you wrote this; other females need to read this. I know there are many more out there like us-some are too afraid too talk, but this may help them cope with it, know they are not alone.

    I think your amazing!! I really do! I love you on IG, and snap, this is the first time I have been to your blog page, I knew I’d like it here. #strengthinnumbers #chickchick #teammeredith

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sorry for the typos… hahaha… I just got up, and my fingers aren’t working as fast as my brain is thinking.

    I was trying to say, everyone should read this blog. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m sorry Meredith. This reminds me of one of the episodes in Netflix’s 13 reasons why, and it is important to let people know that it’s not as easy as people may think to “fight back” in these situations. Thank you for sharing your experience!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I am sorry this happend to you. You did not deserve this at all. And if you ever think you lead him on or feel like it is your own fault, I hope that thought escapes your mind quickly. Inviting a guy into your house and even kissing him is NOT a free ticket to (oral) sex. It is obvious you said no, and it is obvious he knew you did not want it. This is sexual assault and nobody deserves it, even if they are in the victim’s bedroom. I do not hope he does this to someone else, but if he does, I hope she bites his dick off. The fucking pig doesn’t even deserve to have one. Stay strong, you superstar.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. First of all, there are no words to describe how I felt as I read this. My heart sank into my stomach for you as the story turned from bad to worse and I am so sorry that this happened to you. That man is the very definition of a weeping dickhole.

    But I commend you for telling your story because your “Jeff” story is bringing a voice to the hundreds that aren’t being told. Many of us have met our Jeff’s and this really drives home the message about respect, consent and being a fucking decent human being.

    Keep fighting the good fight Meredith. I have recently discovered your blog and I wish there was something like this when I was single because its strong women like you who are standing up and sharing your stories that are changing the narrative on what being sex positive actually means and hopefully empowering other women to do the same.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s