Actually…

There is something pretty remarkable that happens to you when you turn 30. Or at least it did to me. I suddenly realized that I could demand more from my life and I didn’t have to do anything that didn’t add value to my life if I didn’t want to. So I went after a career I wanted, got rid of “friends” who really did nothing but bring me down, exited a marriage that was not fulfilling for either of us, and moved from my hometown of Austin, Texas to Los Angeles, California to finally live my life on my terms.

My 30s are going to kick ass.

My 20s were hard. The worst, actually. My parents divorced, I was involved in a mentally (and occasionally physically) abusive relationship, my father got sick and ultimately passed away when I was 25. I married an incredibly kind man who, as it turns out, wanted completely different things in life from me and we were forced to disappoint ourselves and our families by ending our marriage–a marriage we had no business entering into in the first place.

There had to be more for me.

After my divorce I felt like shit, for lack of a more descriptive phrase. My ex husband had completely withdrawn from me sexually over the last couple years of our relationship, causing my already intense body issues to go into overdrive and I was convinced I was so unattractive and damaged that no man would ever want me again. Then I got on tinder.

Keep in mind, I have never really dated in my adult life. I had my slutty college years and then a couple of serious relationships that pretty much covered my entire 20s. I had no idea how to just date. Or what men were looking for. Or what the hell a “fuckboy” was. But as I began to meet men and go on dates I realized that for once I was finally comfortable in who I was as a person, and it finally felt okay to admit that I love sex. Women are taught that if they sleep with anyone other than a man they are in love with then they’re a slut, a whore, a hoe…whatever you want to call it. Men are *never* taught this. Bullshit, right?

As I was going on all these dates and meeting these men, and essentially dating like a man, I thought, what if I can help to change that narrative? I’ve always been known as having a dark sense of humor and always making people laugh. I loved to tell jokes on twitter and often posted them to Instagram, and my friends and family would laugh and share them. So why not take that and send a message, that women  can be sexually confident and adventurous, that it’s okay for a woman to date the way men are allowed to. That it’s okay to never want a husband or a family, to be independent, to enjoy men but not need them. And that it’s okay to laugh at yourself and not take life so fucking seriously all the time.

And then I moved to Los Angeles, fired up my tinder and bumble, and got to swiping.

 

Author: meredithactually

Writer, joke teller, certified trainwreck, and craft beer aficionado from Austin, Texas residing in Los Angeles, California.

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